New Today Jokes - Page 8 - Worst Jokes Ever

Some locked me out of my house today.... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore

The weirdest thing happend to me today i was driving 50mph and hit a speedbump aand it screamed

(Bus Driver) What did you learn in school today? (Kid) We learned that you are a sussy baka. (Bus Driver) Oh yeah? Well I quit! (Kid) Quit What? (Bus Driver) Living. (Kid) But it was a joke! (Bus Driver) Doesn't matter. I will die but you will still be alive. (Kid) Ok (Bus Driver) That was a joke too!

I told a 9/11 joke to my friends today It dident land well

Teacher: I was an orphan as a child Student: sorry to hear Teacher:is anyone missing today Student: Your parents

A bird was on a branch at school today. I turn away to talk to my friends and another bird was there when I turned around. I turn around again and the birds are having fucking sex!!!

What the fuck.

Now I've seen everything

my job is so amazing. today a man asked me to check his balance, so i pushed him over. his balance isn't good

Therapist: so what brought you here today? wife: he's too literal Therapist: and you sir? husband: my truck

Today I am finding out the lore of worstjokesever.com

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

Watersharky Music Productions Presents Memories by Conan Gray One, two It's been a couple months That's just about enough time For me to stop crying when I look at all the pictures Now I kinda smile, I haven't felt that in a while It's late, I hear the door Bell ringing and it's pouring I open up that door, see your brown eyes at the entrance You just wanna talk and I can't turn away a wet dog But please don't ruin this for me Please don't make it harder than it already is I'm trying to get over this I wish that you would stay in my memories But you show up today, just to ruin things I wanna put you in the past 'cause I'm traumatized But you're not letting me do that, 'cause tonight You're all drunk in my kitchen, curled in the fetal position Too busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say "I wish that you would stay in my memories" In my memories, stay in my memories Now I can't say goodbye if you stay here the whole night You see, it's hard to find an end to something that you keep beginning Over and over again I promise that the ending always stays the same So there's no good reason in make believing that we could ever exist again I can't be your friend, can't be your lover Can't be the reason we hold back each other from falling in love With somebody other than me I wish that you would stay in my memories But you show up today, just to ruin things I wanna put you in the past 'cause I'm traumatized But you're not letting me do that, 'cause tonight You're all drunk in my kitchen, curled in the fetal position Too busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say "I wish that you would stay in my memories" In my memories, stay in my memories Since you came I guess I'll let you stay For as long as it takes To grab your books and your coat And that one good cologne That you bought when we were fighting 'Cause it's still on my clothes, everything that I own And it makes me feel like dying I was barely just surviving I wish that you would stay in my memories But you show up today, just to ruin things I wanna put you in the past 'cause I'm traumatized But you're not letting me do that, 'cause tonight You're all drunk in my kitchen, curled in the fetal position Too busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say "I wish that you would stay in my memories" In my memories, stay in my memories

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket

My little brother is scared of ghosts so I won't let him watch Bayern today. Okay, I may be strict, but I won't let Tapindowski give my son a heart attack. His shocking ghosting performance today is a danger to my family and I'll ask UEFA to investigate the matter.

Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.

Student: That’s sad.

Teacher: Anyways, who is away today?

Student: Your parents.

I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut g” and slapping the neck. I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g”.

Today I passed the exams to be a funeral director!

Too bad it's a dying trade. :)

-Dark_Humor

Yesterday I was in a wind storm. Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was Ear-ittating.

*karen walks into MCcdonalds lady at the counter:HI what can I get for you today?? Karen:i want 1 SMALL FRIES PLEASE AND MAKE IT SNAPPY LITTLE NOODLE lady at the counter:yes miss Karen:I WILL NOW INSPECT THIS lady at the counter:*sweats* Karen:THIS IS NOT SALTY ENOUGHT GET ME THE MANAGER KNOW SKINY NOODLE