Today jokes
Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next-door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off.” In the end, I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.
Say this when you answer a spam call...
"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."
I got sent to the principal's office today because I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and screamed, "HOT WHEELS!"
Who is older than the Twin Towers?
Billy Bob the 1th. He was older than the Twin Towers. He was born 3 minutes before the Twin Towers and is still alive today.
I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"
I was at the beach today, and there was a big wave.
Somebody went, "Damn, that crashed harder than the Twin Towers." Jack may have survived the towers, but not the crash.
I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.
Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?
He's all right now.
My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.
It's opposite day today. I'm gonna tell an orphan that their parents are here.
Sorry to take your time today for a few minutes. We are cool, but not the best.
Today we had a test on September 11th in school. I got a 9/11.
I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.
(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?
Sad news, my obese parrot died today.
Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
Normal Kids: Today is a lovely day.
Emo kids: Here lies Chris, he shot himself!
I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"
I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3
Met the emo kid today; he was pretty chill; he was just hanging out.
Today is the day, time for more jokes!
Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb. I said, "Awww, are you an orphan?" He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."