Time jokes
If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.
Why was everybody so tired on April 1st? Because they just finished a March of 31 days!
Roses are red, violets are blue, the last time people got depressed ended World War II.
Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn’t last long for people.
Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"
"Watersharky, we need a little talking..."
Why are birds good at social media?
Because they "tweet" all the time!?
I wanted to make a joke about clocks, but I got no time for that.
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
I want a bigger couch.
Why? You're going to be in the kitchen most of the time anyway.
Gwen, do you have to be so happy all the time? Even you don't get the joke!
Sonic can run around the world in a second.
In that same time, Chuck Norris can run around the Universe.
There are 206 bones in the human body, but I’d really like to have 207.
A manager asked a black employee to work overtime. The employee initially agreed until he was told it would be without pay.
The employee responded with, "You know what happened last time my family worked for free?"
"What happened?" said the manager.
"A civil war."
One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!
Everybody loves guns!
Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.
Why are Indians so good at football?
Each time they get a corner, they open a shop.
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.
My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.
I’ll be hanging with them for a while.
I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!