Throw jokes

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.

He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.

A stone’s throw away, in fact.

As he threw the mechanical pencil toward me, I knew that if I didn't move, I would be lead into serious trouble.

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

When someone throws something at your forehead, it stops moving and goes into orbit around your forehead.

When I saw your face, it instantly made me throw up.

Dads are boomerangs, I hope.

I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!

Dad: Why did Jimmy fall off his bicycle?

Son: Why?

Dad: Because somebody threw a washing machine at him.

What do you say after you throw an egg at someone? "Yolks on you!"

So, at school there are these twins. At my school, I folded two paper airplanes to throw at them. Once I realized why it felt so wrong to do it, I had already threw them. I hit the north, then the south one.

My sis said only garlic and onions can make you cry.

So I threw an orange at her.

What happens when you throw an underage boy between two Catholic priests?

They fight and... You know the rest.

Your mum is so fat Les Dawson would agree with me that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand, she throws it.

Why was it wrong to throw my Chinese friend down the stairs?

You don't usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days.

But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: "Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!"

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

An American goes on a British bus after being in war. He wants to sit down, so he goes to the back of the bus to sit down, but there is an old woman on the seat with her dog in the next one.

The man says, "Will you move your dog?"

The lady says, "Oh, you Americans are always so demanding," and she says to sit somewhere else. He goes through and finds no seats, so now he's at the back again. This time he throws the dog out the window and sits down.

The man in front says, "You Americans always do things wrong. First, you drive on the wrong side of the road, then hold you knife and fork wrong, and you threw the wrong bitch out the window!"

Why did John throw the butter out? Because John wanted to see the butterfly.

Your mom finds a mirror on the scrapyard and says, "I would have thrown away a picture like that, too!"

How do Chinese people get their names? Their parents throw woks down the stairs and name their children after the sound it makes.