Throw jokes

An American goes on a British bus after being in war. He wants to sit down, so he goes to the back of the bus to sit down, but there is an old woman on the seat with her dog in the next one.

The man says, "Will you move your dog?"

The lady says, "Oh, you Americans are always so demanding," and she says to sit somewhere else. He goes through and finds no seats, so now he's at the back again. This time he throws the dog out the window and sits down.

The man in front says, "You Americans always do things wrong. First, you drive on the wrong side of the road, then hold you knife and fork wrong, and you threw the wrong bitch out the window!"

Why did John throw the butter out? Because John wanted to see the butterfly.

A disabled kid kept throwing up in class.

So I threw him out the window!

Your mom finds a mirror on the scrapyard and says, "I would have thrown away a picture like that, too!"

How do Chinese people get their names? Their parents throw woks down the stairs and name their children after the sound it makes.

Why did Leah throw the butter out of the window? To see a butterfly!

A guy cut me in the lunch line. After that, a rock was thrown at him by my friend.

When you throw paper at a hill, you can say, "Hey, look, it is like Kobe's helicopter!"

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

Have any of you guys heard the classic airplane jokes? Here's a good example...

A farmer, a doctor, and a terrorist are on a plane. An engine fails, and they are going to crash, so the pilot asks everyone to throw out some items. The farmer threw out his apple harvest, the doctor threw out medical supplies, and the terrorist, (not needing a bomb apparently) threw out his briefcase of bombs. They still crashed, and they started walking to the nearest town. They passed a boy who was running. "Why are you running?"

"My dad got hit by a shiny red object and now he's bleeding!"

They three of them decide it's best to keep quiet, and continue. They then passed a crying girl, who said that her brother had been killed by a scalpel from heaven. They said nothing and continued. Finally, they see a boy laughing so much he is in tears. They ask him, "What's so funny?"

"Grandma farted and the house blew up!"

Why can't gay people play Baseball? They can't throw the ball straight.

US Marine: Knock knock!

Al Qaeda fighter: Who's there?

US Marine: (Kicks down door, throws grenade, opens fire) FREEDOM, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!

Bully: Shut up.

Me: I don't shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up.

I threw a boomerang two years ago... I live in constant fear.

Why do orphans like boomerangs?

Because then they can play catch.

What do orphans, parents, and a ball have in common?

If you throw them, they both will never come back.

Student asks teacher, "If I throw an apple and noodles, which one will fall first?"

Teacher replied, "I don't know."

Then student replied, "Noodles will fall first because noodles are fast foods!"

You know the difference between happy tailgaters and angry tailgaters?

Happy tailgaters know how to throw a party.

What do you say after you throw an egg at someone? "Yolks on you!"

What do you get when you throw a pebble in the ocean?

A wet pebble.