This jokes

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

Me: Brings in missing child.

Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.

Me: Oh, cool.

NEXT DAY

Me: Brings in 8 other kids.

Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, I know this is a classic joke but I found it pretty funny!

"My name is 4, four like the number," my friend said. "What, was 1 2 3 taken?"

I can even with it but I was bored and decided to share this.

"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"

"Who was in the race?"

"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"

This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."

I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?

Read this slow: I 1 2 4 Q?

WOW this ultra realistic jenga is awesome!🔥🔥

There are only 2 things I hate in this world:

1. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures. 2. The French.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

I hate prom in Alabama. They always say, "Uhh, actually this is our family reunion." We are in Alabama, so they are the same thing.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Make sense of what I am saying, This is a LIE—and that's the TRUTH.

What am I?

Answer: a Riddle.

Roses are not always red, Violets are violet, not blue. Irises are never red, Petunias can be kinda blue.

What does this tell us 'cept you can't trust a poet to tell the truth.

My son was thrown out of school for letting a schoolgirl wank him off.

"That's the third school this year..." I said to my son, "... Maybe teaching isn't for you."