How ironic is this ?! I was playing Jenga before the first plane hit the Twin Towers
Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.
This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"
God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."
I was playing football and this guy comes to me, he was in a wheelchair.
We started playing rocket league.
Hi this Daves orphanage- you make it we take it
Male Patient: So I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam? Doctor: Yep. Male Patient: Ok im ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger. Doctor: Yep, and im not even a doctor.
I refuse to go bungee jumping. I was brought into this world from broken plastic, and I REFUSE to die the same way.
White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?
Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
I yo yo-yo yo-yo yo-yo, yo-yo yo-yo you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you ha! Frick, fuck, gosh dang, you’re so big that you can’t ride. This is Builder.
A husband and wife at custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex-wife.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"
Ex-wife: "I brought him into this world, so I should have custody of him."
Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."
Then the judge looks toward the ex-husband.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"
The ex-husband thought long and hard about his response. After a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out, is it mine or the machine's?"
Man: I must confess, Father.
Priest: What are you here to confess?
Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.
Priest: And what happened to your son?
Man: He said a man raped him.
Priest: When and where did this happen?
Man: A local church. I don't know which one.
Priest: ...By whom?
Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.
Priest: ...Shit
Yep, this happens when you play G.T.A., good God!
Anne Frank: this one time at camp. someone had to much gas
flat girls be like ''i will have breats in the future'' this is to all the flat girls u will never get it
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blowjob.
Yo ass so fat that you can't see your toes.
When you go to the movies, you take up seven rows.
For those of you greener than a Mexican's card when it comes to this website, it's darker than the unemployment line.
How do you get a woman to give head? Force it down her throat and hold the back of her head. Make her gag for a little and then pull out. Do this over and over for 30 seconds or so. If she doesn't open up, choke her and force her mouth open. Woman aren't human anyways... lol
Do trees pee?
How else do we have No. 1 pencils?
My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"
Me "OH NO" 💀
