They're jokes
Ugly kid, people keep saying I'm ugly.
Me: They're certainly not wrong.
What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"
What do Michael Jackson and Tesco carrier bags have in common? They’re both made out of plastic and harmful to children.
Why do orphans love chips?
Because they're all family sized.
I don't give two shits about how evil these are. They're funny.
Why don't orphans rob the bank?
Because they're not wanted.
Fella walks past a mental hospital; they're all out in the garden behind this big fence, all shouting "13, 13, 13, 13," etc., over and over again.
This fella is intrigued, sees a little hole in the fence, looks through it... gets fucking poked straight in the eye!
Then they all start singing, "14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14!"
Would you rather listen to Justin Bieber or die in the slowest and most painful way possible?
They're the same thing.
Me: I asked an orphan where his parents were. I also said that I promised to take him to them.
Orphan: They're dead.
Me: A promise made is a promise kept.
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
Why does no one sit next to a cheetah during school? Because they're a big cheetah.
Have you heard the Twin Tower jokes? Well, they're more down than the Twin Towers.
Why are pirates pirates?
Because they're Arrrrrrrggghhh!!!
When somebody says they're depressed (by over-romanticizing their so-called problems) but can't be by your side when you are at your lowest.
Then you know they're faking depression. 🙂
If you know it, you know it.
What does Michael Jackson and a lion have in common?
They're both predators.
What's so similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the sperm inside her? They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mum is gonna kill me!"
What does a depressed person and a jacket have in common?
They’re both hanging in the closet.
What do a blonde chick and a turtle both have in common?
When they're on their backs, they're screwed.
What do a blonde chick and a field of wheat have in common?
They're both bound to get plowed at some point in time.
Despite Michael Jackson’s legal problems while he was alive, McDonald’s is still going to honor his life achievements in the music industry by naming a sandwich after him.
They’re going to call it the McMichael! It’s going to be a fifty year old piece of meat pressed between two eight year old buns.