How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book.
They Jokes
A kid asks Trump:
Kid: "Where are the confidential files?"
Trump: "There they are, bud!"
Why did the rapper go to the seafood restaurant?
Because he heard they had PHAT BASS.
The fact I couldn't hear the announcements at my school because the boys in my advisory are clapping with no hands should be a joke just in itself. They were making sexual faces as well, oh, and don't forget the moaning they do.
Why can't Americans play chess? They have no towers.
Bro, is your hairline and your forehead good friends because they go way back?
Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.
You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.
Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.
You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"
Why are Indian people bad at Monopoly?
Because whenever they hit the corner, they build a shop.
Why do emos suck at playing tic-tac-toe on their wrists?
Because when they win, they lose.
What’s the only plus for someone who burns to death?
They get a discount at the crematorium.
What do a blind kid and an orphan have in common?
They can’t see their parents.
Yo mama is so ugly, when she went for plastic surgery, they accidentally gave her face a Brazilian Butt Lift!
Do you know why they call me battery saver?
I get turned on when it’s below 10%.
You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.
Why don’t Indians play soccer?
Because every time they’re at the corner, they build a store.
I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook. All they wanted was books, but got magazines instead.
What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?
The sound when they hit the windshield.
How many CIA agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
They don't need lightbulbs--they glow in the dark.
Crazy? I was crazy once, they put me in a room with rubber rats. Rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once...
