They jokes

How did the British lose the War of 1812?

They were out-Britshed.

Q: Why are the 49ers called the 49ers?

A: 'Cause they can't make it past the 50-yard line.

How are gay people like mice?

They both hate pussies.

What do slinkies and the handicapped have in common?

They are the most fun when pushed down a flight of stairs.

They call me Mr. Distracted, truly a spastic. Can't talk to my folks cause they say I'm pro- problematic. Really fantastic. Can't focus unless I take meds then it's magic. My brain is like traffic, always fucking active. But never at the right time, pretty fucking tragic it happens.

*WARNING* THIS WILL NEVER GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD - READ IF YOU DARE.....

What came first? The chicken or the egg?

Which came first? The color orange or the fruit?

Who taught the first ever teacher?

If you expect the unexpected, doesn't that make the unexpected expected?

If you describe something as 'indescribable', then haven't you already described it?

In the word 'scent', is the silent letter the 's' or the 'ce'?

Why do your lips touch when they say the word 'separate', but don't touch when you say the word 'together'?

How many photos do you think you could be in the background of?

The guy who discovered cow milk, what was he doing with that cow?

Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, "Oh no, it's a cop"?

Is it possible to cry underwater?

If two left handers have an argument, who is right?

I warned you!! You just didn't listen.... :O

Hey you, the person who's scrolling, I know you might have depression and some feel they can't talk to anyone about it, so in the comments please, if you need to talk to others, if you comment about it and say you need to talk to someone, I promise you that I will talk to you. You are not alone, and even though it seems it won't change and get better, it will, I promise.

Please no harsh comments toward each other.

How do you know America's bad at chess?

They lost 2 towers!

They say nothing is impossible, but I've been doing nothing all day.

So I got these new shoes, except they were from a drug dealer.

Now I don't know what they were laced with, but I was trippin' all day.

Who were the fastest runners ever? Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.

Why do women have small feet?

So they can stand closer to the sink.

I killed 5 zombies and stabbed a vampire with a steak, and then I started to wonder why they were carrying bags of candy.

My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"..

They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water.

Jack slipped, and the condom ripped; now they have a daughter.

Good news, people! Michael Jackson is still alive. They found him hidden away in a goat pen with all the kids!

Do you know pigeons die when they have sex?

I mean, the one I fucked died.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

'Cause they don't know where home is.

Why do people in wheelchairs get bullied? Because they can never stand up for themselves.

In 2013, it was reported that China has lost around 28,000 rivers; over half of what they thought existed. Some say climate change is the cause, others say it’s their harsh, economic expansion that’s unapologetic to the environment.

My theory is that those 28,000 rivers were sold to underground river-sex trafficking.