They jokes
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims – they went 89 stories in ten seconds.
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."
What do a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both take it in the back and go “whoot whoot.”
If a blind person can’t see, then do they sleep?
They’re the night watchers while people who see sleep.
Why can't Americans play chess? They have no towers.
Why can't orphans get 5 stars in GTA? They aren't wanted!
You know the stupid trend where people say it’s ok to be overly obese? Healthy even? That you should take pride in it? Which idiots started that movement?
Well. We know one thing for sure. They were obviously members of a wider community.
Yo mama's so stupid, when they said it was chilly outside, she grabbed a bowl.
What does cake and baseball have in common?
They both need a batter.
What do kids play when they have nothing else to do?
Bored games.
Do you know why dinosaurs can't eat hyenas?
Because they're dead! The last thing they ate was some rock.
What do Americans and stars have in common?
They both love shooting up.
What do 15-year-old boys and washing machines have in common?
They both like keeping one sock for themselves.
Why do men find it so difficult to solve puzzles after taking Viagra?
Because they just keep getting harder and harder!
So, gender equality is the idea that a woman can do anything a man can, right? That they should be treated the same? So, therefore, if she swings on me, I could punch her into the Twin Towers because of gender equality. I love gender equality.
Why shouldn't you trust trees? Because they seem shady.
What do a gay man and a tumbleweed have in common?
They blow and blow until they wind up on a fence in Wyoming.
Monkeys are big, but they sure can swing very lightly.
Yo dad is so hairy, people chased him because they thought he was Bigfoot.
My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.
So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"
I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"
My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.