They jokes
I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.
Why was Saudi Arabia sad during 9/11?
Because there were no more planes.
Why do witches wear name tags?
So they know which witch is which!
What do women and a Happy Meal have in common?
They both come with a toy.
Vince Li doesn't eat comedians. He says they taste funny.
Yo mama so fat...
...people in Florida start buying flood insurance when they see her waddling toward the ocean.
I asked for emotional support. They handed me a mirror and said, "Talk to someone who cares."
What do autistic retards and birds have in common?
They both flap their arms, lol.
Communists don't play Minecraft.
They play Ourcraft.
How do skyscrapers make friends?
They reach out.
Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?
To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.
Q. What do Canadian women and Canadian beer have in common? A. They're both stronger than they look.
Why does Michael Jackson avoid Pepsi? They gave him a hot one.
What’s one good thing about pedophiles?
They drive slow in school zones.
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
How do pigs kill themselves?
They commit Kermit-cide.
What do Spider-Man and suicidal people have in common?
They both hang.
Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?
Because they have no Father's or Mother's days.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"