Thereness jokes

1. What do you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho cheese.

2. Knock, knock. Who's there? Ash. Ash who? Achoo!

3. How does the ocean say hello? He waves.

4. Why can't Elsa have a balloon? Because she will let it go.

5. What do you call your enemy? You don't call it at all.

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer? The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the walls.

  • 0

    • Hi Alex, you will probably not see this till the morning, but I just wanted to say I have had fun since you were here. Also, thank you so much for protecting me and being there for me. And yeah, have a good day!

    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

    Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

    The frog says $30,000.

    The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

    Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

    The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

  • 2

    • Nina, you better run to hell. You're going there anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't be mean to Alex!!!!!!!!!!! He is sweet, kind, loving, and protective!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I was stark nude. Hehe, I was. I truly and sincerely was.

    The nurses giggled and said, "Joseph, why the hell is your wiener so loving?"

    My penis purred and stroked their hands. I laughed and said, "I do not know."

    I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.

  • 3

    • Hi there! My name is Michael Grover, and I am an explorer. Ever since I’ve been little, I’ve loved searching for new things. As a baby, my parents kept finding me in nooks and crannies around the house. “On the search,” as they would say.

    By the age of 5, I had been to every continent on the planet, barring Antarctica. For my 12th birthday, my parents got me diving lessons, and by the time I was 13, I could scuba dive to a depth of 40 meters, as well as go cave diving.

    I got a pilot’s license by the age of 17, and I learned to sail just before my 18th birthday. Instead of going to university, I decided to travel around South America, exploring its rich jungles and beautiful landscapes.

    During my trip, I met my now wife who was also an explorer. For our honeymoon, we sailed around the Caribbean, and we discovered 3 new islands which we named after the cats that I had growing up.

    Over the course of my life, I have come across great treasures and wondrous experiences. But in all my life, and in all my travels, I’m afraid I have never come across a single person who cared about what you just said.

  • 4

    • There was a woman from Ealing, she had a peculiar feeling. She laid on her back, opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling.

    Me: Knock knock.

    Friend: Who's there?

    Me: Impatient feminist.

    Friend: Impati--

    Me: Why don't we have equal pay YETTTTTTT?

    Hi guys, the prankster is back!

    I was gone for a long time because of this bullying about a nice sweet girl named Gwen! So my 6th prank is on...

    When I put some bad stuff in my sister's toothpaste bottle!

    Okay, so I took some smelly mints from the jelly bean game! I had molded cheese jelly bean, molded milk, and worms jelly bean! Jelly bean tasting is this game where weird tasted jelly beans are in there, so I got some mints and put it there! Then next thing you knew was, my sassy ass sister had her breath smelling like a chimpanzee's buttock!

    "Sonic Says", "If you're ever bored and have nothing to do, then just punch an orphan in the face. Who are they gonna tell? Their parents?"

    Did you know the "f" in "orphan" stands for family?

    Kid: There is no "f" in "orphan."

    There is no family.