Thereness jokes
Why do orphans eat cereal with water?
Their dad did not come back with the milk.
I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.
What do a turtle and a pedophile have in common?
They both try to get there before the hair does.
What does an apple and suicidal person have in common?
They're both hanging from a tree.
Hi there! My name is Michael Grover, and I am an explorer. Ever since I’ve been little, I’ve loved searching for new things. As a baby, my parents kept finding me in nooks and crannies around the house. “On the search,” as they would say.
By the age of 5, I had been to every continent on the planet, barring Antarctica. For my 12th birthday, my parents got me diving lessons, and by the time I was 13, I could scuba dive to a depth of 40 meters, as well as go cave diving.
I got a pilot’s license by the age of 17, and I learned to sail just before my 18th birthday. Instead of going to university, I decided to travel around South America, exploring its rich jungles and beautiful landscapes.
During my trip, I met my now wife who was also an explorer. For our honeymoon, we sailed around the Caribbean, and we discovered 3 new islands which we named after the cats that I had growing up.
Over the course of my life, I have come across great treasures and wondrous experiences. But in all my life, and in all my travels, I’m afraid I have never come across a single person who cared about what you just said.
There was a woman from Ealing, she had a peculiar feeling. She laid on her back, opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling.
Me: Knock knock.
Friend: Who's there?
Me: Impatient feminist.
Friend: Impati--
Me: Why don't we have equal pay YETTTTTTT?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I hate you.
I hate you who?
You hate me?? Rude!
Hi guys, the prankster is back!
I was gone for a long time because of this bullying about a nice sweet girl named Gwen! So my 6th prank is on...
When I put some bad stuff in my sister's toothpaste bottle!
Okay, so I took some smelly mints from the jelly bean game! I had molded cheese jelly bean, molded milk, and worms jelly bean! Jelly bean tasting is this game where weird tasted jelly beans are in there, so I got some mints and put it there! Then next thing you knew was, my sassy ass sister had her breath smelling like a chimpanzee's buttock!
"Sonic Says", "If you're ever bored and have nothing to do, then just punch an orphan in the face. Who are they gonna tell? Their parents?"
There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
Did you know the "f" in "orphan" stands for family?
Kid: There is no "f" in "orphan."
There is no family.
So you know there's like dog mixes, right? Like a Snoodle and that stuff, right? So why can't a bulldog and a shih tzu be mixed? 'Cause if they did, it would be called bullshit.
So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"
Teacher: What’s the closest planet?
Kids yell: Sun.
Except for one.
Other kid: Uranus.
Teacher: Uranus?
Other kid: Yeah, it’s right there.
Small word of advice: Don't wait till next month or next year to do stuff with the people you love, because they may be gone by then. You don't realize, but every second there is someone who dies, and it just could be your loved one.
What do you call an orphan when there 18?
Homeless.
My dog went through my bathroom garbage, and for some reason, my sister put a bunch of ketchup packets in there...
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Not."
"Not who?"
"Not your dad."
Why are vaginas and the Mariana Trench similar? Lots of seamen go missing there.