Thereness jokes

There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."

One day I was on my phone, then I got a text message from my girlfriend, "Hey, sexy boy, wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean...?" Then I just stopped and froze. I read the message. I said, "Yeah, sure..." She replied really fast, "There's going to be a few people there, ok." But I didn't read the next message... She said, "Come right at 12:00 AM." But I didn't read it. I walked into her house, but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise, and it sounded like HER!! So I hid behind the couch, and I looked through the open door and saw something I didn't want to see... Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!

Why can't orphans play baseball?

'Cause there's no home base...

What happens when there's ten people in one house and they all have to shit and there's one bathroom?

It's a motherfucking shitshow party!

I would invite you to play baseball, but there's no home for you to run to.

Q: Why is it good being an orphan?

A: Because the family sized bag is all there's.

What is the difference between Twitter and this website?

There's no difference.

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

If there's a guy without legs, he begins to hear boss music when a stack of shelves appear.

There's only 3 types of people: the ones who can count and the ones that can't.

Why can orphans never walk home?

Because there's no way to go.

"Captain, captain, there's a man lashed to the mainmast."

"That's your lookout."

There are 4 people on a plane while it's crashing and there are only 3 parachutes. There's Opera, Obama, a little girl, and Trump. Opera grabs a parachute and says, "I'm famous, I get one!" And Trump grabs one and says, "Well, I'm president, of course I get one!" Obama looks at the little girl and says, "Since you're the future of our generation, take the last one." The little girl hugs Obama and says, "Actually, we can both have one. Trump took my backpack!"

What's wrong with Asian pet stores?

There's no pets.

There's one shop orphans can't go to, but what is it?

Home Depot.

What do iPhones and the Titanic have in common?

There's no Jack!

There's something special about cemeteries.

People are dying to get inside.

What did my dad say before he went to go get milk?

"There's money in my wallet for pizza. I love you."

This isn't a joke, I repeat, this is not a joke. The plane in Lake Harriet is not in the lake. It is invisible because of the satellite pic, so there's no plane in Lake Harriet.

Harry Potter

Dobby: "Dobby never meant to kill, Dobby only meant to maim or seriously injure!"

Jumanji

Coach Webb: "Ok, there's a lot wrong with that."