There jokes
How to make an orphan's hand bleed? By making them clap until their parents come back.
My friend: "Yo, stupid."
Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"
My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."
Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."
People are making end of the world jokes, like there's no tomorrow.
I'll never forget my brother's last words: "Why is there a revolver in your hand?"
Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
Teacher: 502.
Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!
Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.
Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door
Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
Teacher: let me guess the lion?
Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.
Teacher: WOW!
Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?
Student: The gators are at the party.
Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?
Teacher: She drowned?!
Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
There has to be a connection
There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.
A mom gave her son "the talk". Her son replies, "Wait, so there really isn't candy involved? Guess Grandpa lied."
Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. That's my best friend.
How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using the computer?
There is sperm on the computer screen.
When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life
People always said that if you killed a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers. Why stop at one?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
There was a murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.
A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. Orphanages are really fun to work at.
Yo mama so fat that when I banged her in the jacuzzi, there was a level 8 tsunami.
All the Muslims are pissed off because 24 hours after Chuck Norris went to heaven there were no more virgins left.
I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.
The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."