Them jokes

If it's true what they say and I quote, "God never gives you more than you can handle," then you should pray to those who didn't, that God gave them a body strong enough to survive the attempt.

You can't put an orphan on house arrest if there isn't a house to arrest them to.

It's April Fools' Day. I'm gonna go to the orphanage and tell kids, "Their parents are here to pick them up."

Jay and Andrew are best friends who are almost alike. The difference between them both is Jay is poor and well... Andrew, on the other hand, is suck-a-dick poor. Let me explain, Jay wakes up in his room, walks to the kitchen, and asks his mom, Lisa (I call her Lisa now, btw), if there is anything to eat. "No, bitch!" she replies, so Jay drinks a glass of milk and goes back to bed.

Now Andrew... wakes up, jumps out of bed, and he's in the kitchen. He sees his mom fixing some food for work after a long hard night of giving her husband blue balls. "Anything left for me, Mother?" Andrew asks. "Sorry, Honey, I have to eat to put food on the table and to get the running again." *so she goes to work, taking her time* Andrew sits by his bedside and says to himself, "Man... I'd suck a dick for some water right now." *his mom storms back after hearing what he had said* "I'll buy you a soda if you do my first customer for me!"

What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?

One of them knows the definition of no.

Why don’t cows have any money?

Because farmers milk them dry.

What did the squirrel say to the dog?

"There are nuts in your poop. I found them!"

Why can’t orphans go to school? Because they don’t have a parent to sign them up.

Have you seen all the pants with crazy designs on them? I mean, britches be crazy!

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

I don't know, it depends on how hard you throw them.

Why can orphans not grow big and strong? Because they need a parent to buy them steroids.

Why are a gun and a bag of chips alike?

You pull them out at school and everyone wants to be your friend.

There was once a kid named Timmy. His father and mother went to bed one night and didn't hear or see Timmy come with them.

They all get under the covers. Timmy, still unnoticed, looks under the covers and lets out a blood-curdling scream. "MOMMY, WATCH OUT! THERE IS A SNAKE GOING INTO YOUR BIG BLACK HAIRY BUSH!" And he proceeds to say, "DON'T WORRY MOMMY, I'LL GET IT!" And he takes his father's penis in his mouth and chomps down.

Now I want you to think what their breakfast conversation was the next morning.

Are the three little pigs orphans because their mom kicked them out of the house?

I went to the orphans to paint a picture of their parents so they can actually talk to them.

Why are dolphins so smart?

Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I took 7 coins from someone. He even came back from the dead to get them.

Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo, so I gave them a halo.

joe: Are your mom and dad nice?

zozo: Well, they were until I murdered them over a bottle of Pringles.

joe: Oh, so you are an orphan and a murderer.