The jokes

I went up to the blind kid and punched him and said bet you didn't see that coming

"Would you like to play the rape game?"

"No wtf" she replied.

"That's the spirit!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

Please like this. I bet my friend 20 bucks that I would get to 15 likes before him.

Two boys were arguing in class one day when the teacher walked into the classroom.

The teacher asked them, "Why are you arguing?"

One of the boys replied, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.

Why did the depressed person cross the road?

To get run over.

Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?

Half of the class: *raises hand*

Teacher: ...

The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*

Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.

The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"

What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?

They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.

A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind

My friend, you lit my mind: that's what the lighter said to my thighs.

Where did the software developer go?

I don’t know, he ransomware!

Roses are red. Violets are blue. When I'm taking out the trash, I remember you.

Q: What did the iceberg say to the Titanic?

A: I'd hit that.

Did you hear about the school shooting joke? Well, I won't tell you it's aimed at a younger audience.

Little Johnny's mom is taking a shower. Little Johnny walks in and asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Mommy says, "That is my keyhole." The next day, Little Johnny sees his dad taking a shower and Little Johnny asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Daddy says, "That is my key." The next day Little Johnny says to his dad, "Looks like the neighbor has the key to Mommy's keyhole too."

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.

A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...

A boy and his mother survived a car crash.

The boy asks his mother, "Was that like how I was born? A hard smash?" The mother replies with "More like an accident."