The jokes
Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?
Really?
Well, the one I fucked did.
Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead hookers, i don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
Why are gay people bad at hide and seek?
Because they're always coming out of the closet.
Q: What did the drunk emo say to the bartender?
A: Nothing! He was hung over.
A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says "What's wrong?" The woman says "I've never been hugged before." So, the man gives her a hug and walks away.
The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says "What's wrong, now?" The woman says "I've never been kissed before." So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away.
The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says "Oh, for Christ's sake! What's wrong, this time?!" The woman says "Well, I've never been fucked before." So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED!"
What is the New York fireman's favorite song?
It's raining men.
What’s the similarity between a bag of chips and a gun?
When you pull one out in class, everybody wants to be your friend.
What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an Aussie bloke in Bali?
Both are expert drunks, but the Aussie is 100 times better kept. Johnny Depp, in contrast, looks like a demented leader of a violent drug cartel.
What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
The wall behind him.
Roses are red, don’t touch the toys, these are what the priests use to lure in the boys.
When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school.
At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters
'PNEIS'
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors.
What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? You don't get something in return if you give money to a church.
I like my women like I like my wine, twelve years old, in the basement, and locked up.
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"
What were the terrorist of 9/11 thinking?
We can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, we'll have to go through it.
What's the cool thing about bringing a pack of gum or a shotgun to school?
When you pull one out everybody wants to be your friend. :)
What is the part of school with all the autistic people called? Downtown.