The jokes

The happier they get, the less they see.

Well, I'm off to the orphanage to tell "yo mama" jokes.

A teacher asks a boy in her class, "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with, "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."

Later, the boy asks the teacher, "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking it." The boy says, "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."

I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.

She said, "but the world is round."

I said, babe, you are my world.

Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.

What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs.

What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!

Why did the orphan become a prostitute? They wanted someone to call "daddy."

Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?

Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.

Your hairline goes so far back even Dora the Explorer couldn’t find it.

Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"

Depression is like therapy; the more you see it, the more you get used to it.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

Why do Japanese people hate Christmas?

Because the last time a "FatMan" went down their chimney they lost half of their population.

I'm doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled.

It's called "spastics on elastics."

What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."

Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!"

Genie: "Wish granted!"

When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

Father: "Son, you were adopted."

Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

Q: What did one emo kid say to the other emo kid?

A: Wanna hang out?

My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.