The jokes

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?

A priest, Kelly Clarkson, and Ian Watkins all walk into a bar... only for the bartender to exclaim, "We don't serve your kind around here!" Then he muttered in a low voice, "Fucking paedos."

A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?

One of them knows the definition of no.

1273. Depression got the best of me. I'm gonna cry in my room now.

A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."

My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said yes and lifted her dress so they could have some fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

What's an emo's favorite Pink Floyd album?

The Final Cut.

How many times does 43 go into 8?

Get in the van and find out.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"

Who are the fastest readers?

911 victims. They went through 88 stories in 7 seconds.

Did you know the pool in the Titanic is still full?

Why is the leaning tower of Pizza leaning?

It has better reflexes than the twin towers.

What do five dicks sticking out of glory holes and five udders both have in common? They are ready for milking.