The jokes

A priest, Kelly Clarkson, and Ian Watkins all walk into a bar... only for the bartender to exclaim, "We don't serve your kind around here!" Then he muttered in a low voice, "Fucking paedos."

Q: What did one emo kid say to the other emo kid?

A: Wanna hang out?

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

1273. Depression got the best of me. I'm gonna cry in my room now.

Why do Japanese people hate Christmas?

Because the last time a "FatMan" went down their chimney they lost half of their population.

A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."

My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."

What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?

One of them knows the definition of no.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said yes and lifted her dress so they could have some fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

What's an emo's favorite Pink Floyd album?

The Final Cut.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

How many times does 43 go into 8?

Get in the van and find out.

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

What's the difference between the Twin Towers and an ugly girl? The Twin Towers at least got fucked.

Who are the fastest readers?

911 victims. They went through 88 stories in 7 seconds.

Did you know the pool in the Titanic is still full?

What do five dicks sticking out of glory holes and five udders both have in common? They are ready for milking.

What do you call a man off the ground?

Hanged.