The jokes

What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato?

About 140 calories.

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Son: Why?

Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.

Did you know the letter "F" in orphan stands for family?

What did Stevie Wonder's mom do to punish him as a child?

She rearranged all the furniture.

When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"

When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."

The USA guaranteeing freedom of speech is the biggest joke I've heard... Tell that to the people who were almost killed because their cars had "NASCAR Sucks" and "Country and Western is rubbish" on them!

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick.

The bartender asks him why.

And the pirate says:

"Argh, It's driving me nuts."

Little Johnny was eating dinner with his family. His mother went around the table and asked, "Mark, what would you like to eat?" Mark said, "I'd like some fucking potatoes." *SMACK*! Mother slapped Mark. She then asked Suzie, "What would you like to eat?" "Well, I'd like some fucking potatoes," said Suzie. *SMAACK*! She slapped Suzie. "Okay, Johnny, what would you like to eat?" "Well.... I sure as hell don't want no fucking potatoes."

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie talkie? He can’t walkie or talkie.

What's the difference between the Twin Towers and an airplane landing strip? Don't know, neither did my dad.

What turns red, blue then white? The last person that I'd strangle.

"Dude, can you believe Republicans are opposed to homosexuality, women's rights, and immigration, yet they are silent when it comes to incest and child molestation?"

"Well, I'm not surprised. Republicans have to win the Alabama vote, or else."

Someone asked me why I'm still here... the answer is simple: I don't want to be used as a school assembly.

The judge asked me, "How does 5 to 10 years sound?"

I said, "Sexy."

Teacher: Kids, what does a chicken give you?

Students: Eggs.

Teacher: Very good. Now, what does the pig give you?

Kids: Bacon.

Teacher: Excellent. Now, what does the fat cow give you?

Kids: Homework.

What's the difference between a black & a white fairy tale? White begins, "Once upon a time..." Black begins, "Y'all mutherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit."

People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.