The jokes

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?

"If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."

What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato?

About 140 calories.

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Son: Why?

Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.

I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.

Did you know the letter "F" in orphan stands for family?

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"

When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.

What did Stevie Wonder's mom do to punish him as a child?

She rearranged all the furniture.

When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick.

The bartender asks him why.

And the pirate says:

"Argh, It's driving me nuts."

Little Johnny was eating dinner with his family. His mother went around the table and asked, "Mark, what would you like to eat?" Mark said, "I'd like some fucking potatoes." *SMACK*! Mother slapped Mark. She then asked Suzie, "What would you like to eat?" "Well, I'd like some fucking potatoes," said Suzie. *SMAACK*! She slapped Suzie. "Okay, Johnny, what would you like to eat?" "Well.... I sure as hell don't want no fucking potatoes."

What's the difference between the Twin Towers and an airplane landing strip? Don't know, neither did my dad.

The judge asked me, "How does 5 to 10 years sound?"

I said, "Sexy."

Someone asked me why I'm still here... the answer is simple: I don't want to be used as a school assembly.

Teacher: Kids, what does a chicken give you?

Students: Eggs.

Teacher: Very good. Now, what does the pig give you?

Kids: Bacon.

Teacher: Excellent. Now, what does the fat cow give you?

Kids: Homework.

What's the difference between a black & a white fairy tale? White begins, "Once upon a time..." Black begins, "Y'all mutherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit."

People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.

The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."

Why did Logan Paul go to the suicide forest?

To see who's hanging around.