The jokes

The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.

When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"

What do you take care of after a car crash?

The witnesses.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.

What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

Suicide is never the answer.

Suicide is the question.

The answer is yes.

I told the emo girl that I bet she's jealous of the hanging lights in the gym.

I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.

The wheels on the bus go round and round!

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.

Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."

I kicked a soccer ball at the kid in the wheelchair. Now we're playing Rocket League.

I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.