The jokes

What do you take care of after a car crash?

The witnesses.

When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

What did the north tower say to the south tower?

"Let’s talk later, I gotta catch a plane."

Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

Why can't the USA and England play chess?

USA has no towers and England has no queen.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

Suicide is never the answer.

Suicide is the question.

The answer is yes.

I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.

The wheels on the bus go round and round!

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.

Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

I kicked a soccer ball at the kid in the wheelchair. Now we're playing Rocket League.

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."

I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.