The jokes

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

Who's the fastest reader?

Me, 'cause I'll be jumping off so many stories.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...

Head of Company: "We need to stop testing our products on animals."

Consultant: "Why? The shampoo companies do it."

Head of Company: "Yeah, but we make dildos."

How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?

You cut the rope...

Why is the USA bad at Clash Royale? 'Cause they already lost two towers.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."

Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

I got detention yesterday because I told the emo kid to "Hang in there."

Why does Donald Trump have a fervent crush on the Russian president?

He is Putin his dick where it don't belong!

What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying, "ten babies in one trashcan." Morbid humor would be saying, "one baby in ten trashcans."

if an emo doesn't get better by Christmas Santas reindeer won't be the only thing jumping off roofs this year

There are some sounds that everyone loves... - Shoes on gravel. - Crackling of fire. - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you. - Cats purring.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.