The jokes

My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"

Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.

So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

What's the difference between a maze and a depressed life? One of them you can find a way out of.

I got kicked out of a hospital once. I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"

Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

What game does an emo hate the most?

Cut the Rope.

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them... But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?

How did the orphan become famous? They said, "Go big or go home."

What was the last thing to run through Osama bin Laden's mind? Probably a bullet.

What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?

They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"

If Hitler had a cooking channel: Step one... Turn on the gas.

I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

The colors red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom. Until they are flashing behind you.

Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?

Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?

Me: It's an autobiography.

To become a licensed airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilot’s jacket and hat.

"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

When meeting her parents doesn't require you to leave the house.