The jokes

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

What starts with M and ends with carriage?

This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.

Why do depressed people go to camp? To learn how to tie knots tighter.

Why does the adopted kid like playing GTA? Because he wants to be wanted.

Have you seen the new movie Constipation?

You haven't?

That's because it hasn't come out yet.

I met a kid with Down syndrome the other day. He told me he was into rock music. He told me his favorite song was "Down With The Syndrome." Kinda drooled while attempting to sing it.

What do the Twin Towers and gender have in common? There used to be two of them, but now it's a sensitive topic.

In Boston we say,

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, unzipped his fly and said ‘Hey Jill, you wanna?’ Jill said yes, unzipped her dress, and then they had a ‘daughta’" 🤣

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or No," she replied.

Why can’t the employee tell dirty laundry jokes?

Because they always come out clean.

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer?

You can’t pull on her hair when you’re raping her.

What do skeletons hate the most about wind?

Nothing, it goes right through them.

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon rotate around the earth for 24 hours, so they just called it a "day".

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."

Little Johnny got a train set for Christmas. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Alright, you motherfuckers get off here, and you motherfuckers get off here." His mom comes rushing in and says, "Little Johnny, we don’t use that kind of language, go to your room and think about what you did!"

After a few hours, she lets him out of his room. He goes back to play with his train set. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Okay, you guys get off here, and you guys get off here. And if you have any complaints about the two hour delay, take it up with the bitch in the kitchen."

When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale

Two fish are in a tank. One says, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

Some day, Canada will take over the world. -- And then we'll all be sorry.

What's the difference between a pizza delivery guy and a cop?

Pizza guys get punished for not doing their jobs properly.