The jokes
Why can't college students take exams at the zoo?
Too many cheetahs!
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
"It's pasture bed time."
What's the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid.
How do you confuse Helen Keller? You rearrange the furniture and glue doorknobs to the walls.
What is the difference between a suicidal person and you? None, you are both dead on the inside.
Memes
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.
“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.
The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”
Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.
The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.
“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.
“Does your dick touch your asshole?”
“No.”
The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.
“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.
“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”
“Yep.”
“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
An American and an Asian walk into a bar. What are your names? the bartender asks. The American says, "William Matthews." The Asian says, "Same Ting."
A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide.
A homeless man walks by her and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to jump!"
The homeless man says, "If you're going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"
The woman replies, "No way, creep! Never that!"
The homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says, "That's fine, I'll just wait 'til you're at the bottom."
The British equivalent to 9/11 would be a big red bus crashing into Big Ben.
What do the Twin Towers and gender have in common? There used to be two of them, but now it's a sensitive topic.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
The snowballs.
In Boston we say,
"Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, unzipped his fly and said ‘Hey Jill, you wanna?’ Jill said yes, unzipped her dress, and then they had a ‘daughta’" 🤣
I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.
"Are you getting the knife?"
Why do depressed people go to camp? To learn how to tie knots tighter.
Why does the adopted kid like playing GTA? Because he wants to be wanted.
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
One gets picked.... (not the orphan)
Have you seen the new movie Constipation?
You haven't?
That's because it hasn't come out yet.
What starts with M and ends with carriage?
This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.
I met a kid with Down syndrome the other day. He told me he was into rock music. He told me his favorite song was "Down With The Syndrome." Kinda drooled while attempting to sing it.