The jokes

The ones you hate most are also the ones who are by your side most.

Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.

Yo mama so ugly when her parents had a gender reveal party the balloon came out green.

What’s the difference between emos and Hitler?

Hitler didn’t post on social media when he wanted to kill himself.

What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an orphan?

An orphan is more capable of speaking clearly.

How do you get an emo out of a tree? You cut the rope.

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"

So there was this kid being bullied by four other kids. I decided to step in.

He didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.

Why can't college students take exams at the zoo?

Too many cheetahs!

What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?

"It's pasture bed time."

What's the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid.

How do you confuse Helen Keller? You rearrange the furniture and glue doorknobs to the walls.

What is the difference between a suicidal person and you? None, you are both dead on the inside.

In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?

They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.

Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.

“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.

The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”

Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.

The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.

“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

“No.”

The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.

“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.

“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”

“Yep.”

“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."

An American and an Asian walk into a bar. What are your names? the bartender asks. The American says, "William Matthews." The Asian says, "Same Ting."

A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide.

A homeless man walks by her and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to jump!"

The homeless man says, "If you're going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

The woman replies, "No way, creep! Never that!"

The homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says, "That's fine, I'll just wait 'til you're at the bottom."

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

The snowballs.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

One gets picked.... (not the orphan)