The jokes

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?

They both hang...

What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?

The drone guy didn't know either.

"You wanna play the rape game?" "No." "That's the spirit!"

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

A vampire goes to the bakery.

Vampire: "One bun, please."

Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."

A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies with, "I'm blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde." Then says, "Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke?" The blind guy responds with, "No, I don't wanna tell it that many times."

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

what's the difference between hitler and you?

one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack was surprised to see she had different eyes, and that’s when he realized... Jack had fucked Jill’s daughter.

What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?

Sum Ting Wong.

What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?

The thot that counts.

What gang was Stephen Hawking in? The Crips.

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.

I didn't come into the prostitution business...

It came into me.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.

Silly Jill forgot her pill. And now there's little Franky.

Being an orphan isn't all bad. On the bright side, all your snacks are family-sized.

I was playing hangman, and I gave up on the word "LIFE".