The jokes

Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?

For throwing out the W's.

Today I was asked to go out by 17 women. Well, I was in the women's bathroom. 💀

Two antennas got married on a roof. The ceremony was horrible, but the reception was great!

What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?

The fish can swim.

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

What is a Manchester United fan’s favourite TV channel? The History Channel.

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?

They both hang...

What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?

The drone guy didn't know either.

"You wanna play the rape game?" "No." "That's the spirit!"

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

A vampire goes to the bakery.

Vampire: "One bun, please."

Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."

Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.

A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies with, "I'm blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde." Then says, "Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke?" The blind guy responds with, "No, I don't wanna tell it that many times."

what's the difference between hitler and you?

one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?

Sum Ting Wong.

I wasn't staring at you; I was trying to figure out if that's your forehead or the moon.

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.