The jokes
The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
Two antennas got married on a roof. The ceremony was horrible, but the reception was great!
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.
Why did the heterosexual man put a mask on his cock to protect himself from COVID? Silly boy.
I feel sad for orphans. They can't watch Star Wars because it's parental guidance.
Memes
What's the difference between my arm and my stomach? My stomach isn't ripped.
Wanna know why not to joke about 9/11? They usually crash the party.
What's the worst thing to star in?
An amber alert.
My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at her.
Today I was asked to go out by 17 women. Well, I was in the women's bathroom. 💀
When you're working in the Twin Towers and your computer connects to the airplane wifi.
What is a suicide pack's favorite song?...
Let the bodies hit the floor.
What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?
The drone guy didn't know either.
"You wanna play the rape game?" "No." "That's the spirit!"
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."
A vampire goes to the bakery.
Vampire: "One bun, please."
Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"
Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."
So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.
Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.
What is a Manchester United fan’s favourite TV channel? The History Channel.
The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.
What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?
They both hang...