The jokes

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we've all kicked a pregnant woman before we were even born.

What's the difference between onions and babies?

I cry when I cut onions.

Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."

What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?

The fish can swim.

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

How did the dead baby cross the road?

It was strapped to the chicken.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

What is the politically correct term for rabbit shit?

Raisins.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple gets picked.

I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However, the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.

Why are there a lot of whites in hockey?

It’s the only other job that involves beating something black other than being a cop.

What gang was Stephen Hawking in? The Crips.

Your forehead is so big that teachers use it as a whiteboard.

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

In chess, why does the queen have more mobility than the king?

Because the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.