The jokes

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

I was playing Mortal Kombat with my friend when he picked the fighter Pristiano Penaldo. I won and the voice didn't say "Finish him," so I couldn't do a fatality.

I was confused, but I understood that the game didn't let me finish him because he is already finished.

"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." - Jack Sparrow

After long consideration, I've decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.

Why can't you play Uno with Mexicans? They steal all the green cards.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

What's yellow but can't swim?

A bus full of children.

My favorite toast for parties:

May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.

Why did the scientist want to take off his doorbell?

Because he wanted to win the no-bell prize.

Radiohead had to remake "Fake Plastic Trees" after encountering Carrie Underwood in real life for the first time.

If I were a history teacher, I’d make the two twins stand up and throw a paper airplane at them.

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

Did you hear about the lesbian midget? She probably came out of the cabinet.

What's the best part about having sex with 28 year olds? There are 20 of them.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen! Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and angrily sits down. She says to a man next to her “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and ten 6-year-olds?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

Why do feminists eat so much pussy?

To get the taste of dick out of their mouths.

Does it cycle now, you stupid bitches?

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you."

There's four people on a roof: a Mexican, an Asian, a black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. The Asian also walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. Then, the black guy walks over to the edge and says, "This is for my people," and pushes the white guy off.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.