The jokes

Isn't Gwen the most thoughtful person?

Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.

Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.

What’s the key to a successful relationship?

Consent.

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?

You’re dead if the rubber breaks.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

Why do they make glow-in-the-dark condoms?

So gay people can play Star Wars.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Yeah, he's all right now.

The people in Florida yelling "White Power!" is amusing, because when they get permanent sunburn from the Florida sun, they are not white anymore.

What's the traditional food of Black Jews? - Kosher watermelon...

Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream was shot.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you stick the cucumber.

Apparently, as a 4-year-old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other one carries your shopping.