The jokes

What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly? ... Kick his sister in the jaw.

Why was the ocean so blue? Because the island never waved back.

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house.

Did you hear about the homosexual letter? It only came in male boxes.

Yo mama so poor, the ducks throw bread at her.

Why does a heterosexual man swallow the sperm of another man after he has given him a brojob?

Because of the cream filling inside, just like the individually wrapped cakes of Hostess Twinkies.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

When I get naked in the shower, it gets turned on.

Dr. Seuss died September 24, but that was a lie. Dr. Seuss, when he was 97, he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes, Dr. Seuss allahuakbar.”

I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

According to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

I called the suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath... when all of a sudden... I felt a tap on my shoulder.

How do you know when Helen Keller is home?

Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!

The Big Bang happened 16.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created or destroyed. Therefore, we are all technically 16.8 billion years old. So, to answer your question, officer, yes, she is of age.

What's the difference between life and death? Life hurts.

What's one of the worst motivational things to say to a suicidal person?

“Hang in there!”