The jokes

In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.

So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"

So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."

Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?

Dave: No.

Jason: Well, he hit his first target.

When I get naked in the shower, it gets turned on.

Why did the library book go to the doctor?

It needed to be checked out.

How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.

What's the difference between my dad and cancer? Cancer doesn't leave you.

Why was ten scared?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

Your mom is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank, they had to turn the cameras off.

Dear disabled people, just go to the settings and enable it!

Did you hear about the 100 centimeter girl?

I’d really like to meter.

What's the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul? At least Hitler had respect for the Japanese!

What's the same about "Make a Wish Program" and "Dark Jokes"?

They never get old.

Due to the rising cost of ammunition, there will be no warning shots.

Q. What's the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid? A. One has a functioning neck.

What’s the difference between criminals and orphans?

Only one is wanted.

Random person: "Just turn the page and start over."

Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."

Why was the ant so confused?

All of its uncles were ants.