That jokes

Opinions are like orgasms. The only one that matters is mine and I don't care if you have one.

Why did potassium draw a tear that would result in him crying?

Because all of his friends argon.

Bro, the airplanes that crashed, darn it, they got MVP!

Bully: I'm going to hurt you so bad.

You: Well... your IQ is the same amount of teeth I'm about to knock out, so... you're so dumb that you can't even do that.

And your IQ is 5.

My friend said onions only cry, so that's why I threw a coconut at him.

Where did Sally go after the gunshot?

6 feet under.

*That is how deep they put the coffin...*

Your hairline goes so far back that even Gavin, who looks like a monkey, can't see it!

How many times can you subtract ten from one thousand?

One; after that you're subtracting ten from 990.

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?

A can’t opener!

Why do most guns in America have an average mag/clip size of only 30?

Because that's the average class size in America.

So sad that orphans can't watch Family Feud. 😔

What does a waiter in a Chinese restaurant call a customer that won't leave a tip? A "plick."

Everybody loves "appreciation." So that's what I named my dick.

I was at a funeral and told a joke, and my sister said, "I'm dead." So I said, "That's what she said."

I remember when I saw my dad's penis for the first time.

I said, "Dad, don't text me shit like that."

Superman was flying one day when he saw Wonder Woman laying by the pool completely naked. He thought, "I can fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know what happened." So he then flew down to the pool and did fuck her.

Wonder Woman stood up and said, "What was that?" The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my asshole stinks!"

A girl looked in the fridge. She got mad that somebody ate the last ice cream cone. She ran into her sister's room and said, "This is why you're fat!" Then fell down the stairs. Good thing she had that belly roll to save her.

I still can’t forget that tiny little dead fish in my blue lunchbox.

Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A: A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

Who were the people that survived 9/11?

The ones who decided it would be a good idea to jump.