That jokes

Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.

Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.

Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.

What is a difference between a tree, tree house that yyyyy?

I'm doin' your mom. Yes, yours!

I first saw her in the Wal-Mart pickin' out your drawers. Big Dolly Parton hair like an 80s prom queen but her ass was lookin' good all up in those mom-jeans. I approached her in the checkout line, and said, "Yo baby wassup?" She had two gallons of milk, and I was starin' at her jugs. Five minutes later she agreed to get with me so we went and rocked the minivan like Giggity. Giggity. Giggity.

I was ridin' your mom like she was Mario Kart. I gave her a lift back to her crib cause her car wouldn't start. She invited me in the house, and we started makin' out again. How many times I tap that ass? OVER 9000!

Yeah. She called me Pledge cause I knocked the dust off it. She later made me a sandwich and she cut the crust off it. Cause she knows how I like it, and that I'm a little young to be in the bed, butt-naked doin' your mom.

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

I walked in on my little sister when she was naked.

The thing I have to say is that my little sister is a big sister with big tits & ass with juicy lips upstairs & downstairs. I say whoever is going to be my brother-in-law is going to be a very happy person.

Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.

Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.

Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.

Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?

Bully: How would you know that?

Me: Because she told me herself.

Bully: How exactly?

Me: She's on the phone right now.

Phone: *High pitched animal noises*

Me: Told you so!

Everyone's always saying they're so worried about America's big button, the one that controls all the nuclear power. I'm not worried about that... I'm worried about the idiot on the end of it.

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

Your hairline is so far back that it looks like Putin's tanks steamrolled through.

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”

What did the female rapist say at her hearing?

"Well that boy's dick was inside me and you know what you metoo people say, 'my body my choice.'"

I have a crush on a girl and both her parents are millionaires.

I guess that gives the term "Eat the rich" a whole new meaning.

A rooster ran across the border from the USA to Canada and laid an egg. Which country does that egg belong to? Roosters don't lay eggs.

My friend had a house FULL of okra, but it blew up and okra was everywhere.

I guess you can call that place Okra-homa!

What's worse than waking up with a dead baby next to you?

Realizing you were so drunk that you made love to it the night before...

Did you know there was food on the plane that caused 9/11?

It was the bomb.

Well, tell her that Halloween is the best holiday because you can hide Easter eggs under the Christmas tree while eating a big Thanksgiving turkey.

My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.

Miss Kadie, I heard that the Westboro Baptist Church is having a party for kicking out 99999 gay people.

Pastor: Welcome to the gay matters church.

Miss Kadie: Stop that, you know that God hates gay people.

Me: Stop that, vegan teacher.

Pastor: You deserve to die.

- I attack

Canada being the most educated country in the world is bemusing, considering that Canadians cannot spell "legalise" and "programme" correctly.

Oh, and most of them do not realise that it's day-month-year, NOT month-day-year.