What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.
What do you call a fish that smokes? "A puffer."
Person 1: Stop making suicidal jokes!
Person 2: Okay, okay, I’ll cut it out.
Person 1: Really?
Person 2: They're not even that deep.
A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?
Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.
Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?
Your breath is so bad that when Santa came to your house for your present, he brought toothpaste.
You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.
I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.
If a crippled man told stories about himself, would that be called VeggieTales?
What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?
Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."
What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?
The thot that counts.
What is the Harry Potter spell that aborts babies?
Fetus Deletus!
Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.
A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler, but missed. Then Adolf replied, "Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!"
Why are there a lot of whites in hockey?
It’s the only other job that involves beating something black other than being a cop.
Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."
I would tell a scoliosis joke.
But that would be completely out of line.
