That jokes

The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Insomnia.

You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...

What can an Olympic runner do that Hitler can't?

Finish a race.

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.

A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies with, "I'm blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde." Then says, "Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke?" The blind guy responds with, "No, I don't wanna tell it that many times."

I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...

no one could tell that it was their blood.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.

What do you call a fish that smokes? "A puffer."

Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?

Apparently, as a 4-year-old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

Why are there a lot of whites in hockey?

It’s the only other job that involves beating something black other than being a cop.

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

If a crippled man told stories about himself, would that be called VeggieTales?

What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?