What do you call a duck that is addicted to drugs?
A quack head!
My mom must be a duck then...
I have a penis.
How's that for a fucking joke? It's not a joke. It's terrible.
500 thumbs down and I'll lop off my dick with a razor.
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
One time I walked into a room and I saw a man and a dwarf, and I soon found out that the man was the dwarf's father, and I noticed that the dwarf really looked up to him.
So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.
Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"
Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."
What did the cow say to the sheep?
“Moo!”
What did the sheep say to the cow?
“That was a bad joke!”
Want to hear an inside joke? I walked into a house.
Want to hear an outside joke? I walked out of that house.
Yo mama so fat that when she sits down, global warming starts.
When I was younger, I thought that it was cool to use knives because kids used to ask me to use them.
By the way, have you seen my sister?
Stop saying negative shit about dark humor jokes! If it bugs you that bad, then go away! That'll solve everything but world hunger and failed abortion.
I heard a joke about heavy metal earlier. It was pretty ironic.
I figured I would steel it and put it on this site. I mean, it was either that, or lose it forever.
So, I hooked up with a girl at a party, but I forgot that it was a family reunion.
(SWEET HOME ALABAMA STARTS PLAYING)
What do you call an elf that sings? A Wrapper.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but there will always be something that offends feminists.
A little boy got the homework that he had to learn the four first letters of the alphabet. He went to his mother, who was knitting and had hurt herself. He asked her what the first letter of the alphabet was, and she said a swear word. He went to his brother, who was playing with a Superman, and asked what the second letter of the alphabet was, and he answered "SUPERMAN!!!". Then he went to his little sister, and asked what the third letter of the alphabet was, and given the fact that she was playing with Barbies, she said, "in the Barbie Dream House!" Then he went to his father who was watching a soccer game, and his team just scored, so when he asked what the fourth letter of the alphabet was, he said, "Olé Olé Olé!!!". The next day at school, the teacher asked the little boy what the first four letters of the alphabet were. He said the swear word. "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOUNG MAN!!!", the teacher boomed. "Superman", the boy replied. "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!?!", the teacher continued. "In the Barbie Dream House" "GO TO THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE!!!" "OLÉ OLÉ OLÉ OLÉ!", the boy chanted on his was down the hall.
Did you guys see on the news where they arrested that pervert at the Michaels Crafts store?
He was running around completely naked and had sprinkled glitter all over his testicles. I guess it was pretty nuts.
So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"
What did Stephen Hawking love that couldn't move?
Himself, ps particularly his whole body. I was gonna say his legs, but then I remembered he was fully paralysed and was like shitttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.
Why are you so bonely, my friend? I am at least glad that you are not boneless.
The last thing that went through Abe Lincoln's head was a bullet.
