That jokes

What’s the only type of batteries that they use in prisons? Duracell.

"Hay, can you help me to her on..." No, that is gross. I meant my car.

I was at a milk store and ordered some milk.

They brought it over but spilled it on me.

I said that was a udder failure!

Every single person on the plane died except for 2. How is that possible?

It said all the single people died; the 2 were a couple. That's how it was possible.

I asked my sister to get me a cup of fruit punch. I realized she was taking a bit so I walk to the kitchen and noticed that she spilled it on herself. I asked her, "How did you do that?" but there was no response.

My sister said the onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry...

So I threw a carrot at her.

An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.

Man: "Hey, cute lady!"

Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."

Man: "Not for long!"

And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.

Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"

Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."

Woman: "Never."

And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.

Man: "You look like a dream."

Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"

Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"

And then the man orders flowers and candy.

Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."

And the man shoots the bartender.

Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.

It's so sad that Stephen Hawking can't stand up for himself.

My daughter came home from school later than usual. I was panicking, then at 5:30 p.m. she arrived, not walking but in a bus 🚌. I asked, "Where the hell did this bus come from?" She said, "The garage in the alleyway, Mama. I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons. You like her? She is called Belle Bus." My face was just: 😑 How did you get the bus here? She replies with a whisper, "I drove her through five gardens, a house, and two police cars!" 🙃 So that explains why you have handcuffs on. "Yeah!"

Your mamma's so stinky that perfume leaks where she puts it on.

Why don't headless people have a head in class?

Because they know that they will be ahead of the class. XD

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. Okay, I can't do this anymore.

There was a woman named Sally. She loved to have sex with other people. One time, she had sex with me. I noticed her bra size was 69 (+69). That is fucking big!

Ok, then when her partner was pissing, he told her she should call the doctor. So she dialed 2063512000 (+2000) and called the doctor. The office was on 51st street ave NE (+51). Holy shit, the doctor said! The boots were so big that she had to take 8 pills (x 8). The next morning, she was ________.

69 + 51 + 2000 x 8 = 16120

58008 (flip calculator)

Boobless.

That is not a joke hahahahhaha.

A man gets kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon?" next to all of the chalk outlines.

Did you know that French fries aren't from France? They're cooked in Greece.

One day, there was an ugly barnacle. It was so ugly that everyone died. The end!

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

(This isn't really a joke btw anyway.) SpongeBob, me boy, ye ruptured me intestines with that massive c*ck of yours, agahgahagahagahagah!

Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.

Nobody likes that joke.