That jokes
My friend Nickiya wanted to know what animal she'd be. I said that she would be a "Ni-cat-a."
How do you know someone is fucking dumb?
They put jokes that have been used several times already.
Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!
Did you hear about the man that got fired from his can job? It was soda-pressing.
There was a wedding so sad that even the cake was in tiers.
A girl comes up to her dad and says, "Can I borrow the car tonight? I want to go to this party." Dad says, "If you give a head job..." The girl says, "You're my dad! How can you say that?" Dad says, "If you want the car..." The girl thinks, "Okay." She starts. Dad says, "That tastes like sh*t." Dad: "Yeah, your brother wanted the car this morning."
Titanic - "Yo, look at that sexy babe of an iceberg, let's hit her!"
After an explosion at a French cheese factory... all that was left was De Brie.
Q: What do you call a Mexican man that lost his car?
A: Carlos.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as a helix ruler.)
Person: You suck!
Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎
You're walking into a bar and you see 2 younger kids around 18. You call the manager to have them removed, but no one came down.
Later that night, you see the 2 18-year-olds, 1 was a girl and the other was a boy, so you call the manager down. No one came again. You confront them and tell them to leave, but one turns around and hits you. You are knocked out on the floor. When you wake up, there is a hard feeling in your a**. You turn your head around and there is an autistic girl with a strap-on in your a** going full on hard.
My grandpa said I'm too reliant on technology... so I screamed that he was a hypocrite and I unplugged his life support.
I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.
I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys...
Huh, I don’t recall ever eating a monkey!
My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."
People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.
What do you call a person that guards a Samsung store?
A Guardian Of The Galaxy :)
One day my pet barked at me and so I got scared and was my dad actually. It was weird, you should’ve saw him and so the day goes on because he likes to run around the house that he likes to do it out 😂😂😂😂😱
Puerto Rican teen: I'm a waste, a failure, NUNCA LO PODRA ASER (I'll never be able to do it).
The mother: AI NINO (OH CHILD).
The teen: QUE? (WHAT?)
The mother: NO TE PONGA CON ESTA MIELDA OTRAVES! (DON'T START WITH THIS SHIT AGAIN!)
The teen: I CAN'T DO SHIT RIGHT MAMA!
The mother: OOOHHH YEAH WELL TU SI PUEDES ABLAR MIELDA DE TI, I BOTAR BASURA! (YOU SURE CAN TALK CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF AND THROW OUT THE TRASH.)
The teen: QUAL (WHICH).
The mother: MADRE DE DIOS (MOTHER OF GOD).
The teen: AVIA UNA NEGRA I OTRA BLANKA (THERE WAS A BLACK ONE AND WHITE ONE).
*A phone buzzes.*
The teen: Whose phone is that, ma?
Unknown: MR. PRESIDENT IF YOU TAKE AWAY THE CONFEDERATE FLAG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THE BAD WHITE PEOPLE ARE?
*Runs to bag, opens white one and sticks hand in.*
The teen: HAIR GEL