Tell jokes
When you get mad, just punch an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their mom?
We better stop telling orphan jokes because their parents will get mad. Oh... wait... never mind.
Why are people mad at me? All I did was tell the truth and put the Bible in the fiction section of the library.
I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started. She said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked. My dad said it all started with Adam and Eve, so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys, and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣
I can't tell what's farther, the Great Wall of China, or how far Paul Walker flew out of his windshield.
I'm actually against abortion.
Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!
What do you tell a suicidal person when they complain about their problems to you?
Just hang in there, man.
You know why pedophiles get away with molesting children?
Because who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.
A teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.
But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom." "OK, let’s hear,” said the teacher.
“My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.” “She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
Pin drop silence in the class!
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
“Stay away from Mummy when she’s drunk...!!!”
How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They tell her to sit in the corner in a circular room.
It is now legal to bully an orphan.
What are they going to do? Tell their parents?
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"
An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
What can you tell [is] the difference between Stephen Hawking and a carrot?
Nothing.
What did the mute man tell the blind man?
Nothing.
What do you do after raping a deaf mute eight-year-old girl? Smash the little bitch's hands with a hammer so she can't tell her mum.
When your girlfriend tells you she's a guy: "What, bitch? Naw, hell no!"
Gary and Steve are having sex and the phone rings. Steve goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, "Hey, don't finish yourself until I get back." After returning from the other room, there is cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. "Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!" Gary turns to him and says, "I didn't, I farted."
This one butt cheek said to the other one, "It's really personal, but it's okay, I'll tell you." It said, "Hey, let's go to my crib so we can smoke a little joint, watch a movie, and go upstairs in the room and get down."