I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son. We both drank them at the same time, and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.
Yo Momma's legs are like cottage cheese: white and chunky. Yo Momma's so dirty that when I asked what was for dinner she sat on the table, opened her legs and said "Crabs."
When you throw your peanut butter sandwich at the nut allergy table 25+ kill streak
Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly
I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.
I think someone must've poached it.
The QUEEN took a shit at the poker table it was a ROYAL FLUSH
what do you call an orphan at the dinner table?
family dinner!
How do you know if a rapper is hungry?
They start dropping BEATS at the dinner table.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter's dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Jason Kenney has never worried about putting food on the table for his kids.
"Knuckle babies" don't eat.
One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"
Yo hairline so far, that if you put tables on it, it would NEVER end.
"Joe Mama so fat she plays pool table the Earth."
Two men are sitting at a coffee table.
Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."
Joe: "Why do you say that?"
Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."
Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."
Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."
Friend: Hey, let me give you a little riddle. There's a table [for] four people who are supposed to sit [at]. There is you, me, Will, Mary. In which order will they sit?
Other friend: Uhm, you, me, Mary, and Will?
Friend 1: Nope, guess again!
Other friend: Okay, what about "Will you marry me?" Oh, wait...
Friend 1: Of course!!!! :D
You're at a buffet, you think you're hungry for two, but misfortune happens when you think of yourself. You get stuck looking at sides in the buffet. A roly poly gal you see in the corner of your eye, eyeballing the main dishes in front at the end. You go in for the pickings, you get intercepted by a far more hungrier matter, but you find yourself getting slammed over the buffet table, and realize you are gasping for air, and she is tenderizing you for dinner.
Two boys were playing cards on a picnic table outside the school. Both of the boys had revolvers hidden in their waistband.
Now, one of the boys was a notorious cheater, who liked to hide his cards in his waistband. Recess was just about to end, when all the kids heard a loud bang erupt from the picnic table. In tears, the card player admitted that he had shot the other card player, stating "I played a King, and he started reaching for his waistband!"
Random words in my keyboard:
The most annoying part of this game has always been that the players don’t know how much time it takes to get to the table before you start playing them.
What did the cat say when he fell off the table?
MEOM!
So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.
