sso i was in the lunch room and was sitting by the peanut allergic kids table i stood up and i threw a opened bag of peanuts at them and yelled. "25 kill streak" đ€Łđ
âOne silent evening, a man walks to his fridge to get some food. He sets out a fork and napkin on the table. He reaches to grab a salad topped with olives and cheese. He sets the food down on the table and begins to add tomatoes, condiments, and...â He is interrupted. âWhy are you saying this aloud?â A young boy asks his father. The father replies with, âYou wanted to know how to live on your own. But I guess experience is more helpful,â he says as he rushes the child out of the front door.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
How do you fit three flags on a bar stool? Flip it over
what's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? A: the table part
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
Why are emo jokes so infamous?
They cut deep.
Why isnât the Moon Emo anymore?
Turns out it was just a phase.
How many emos like anagrams?
Some.
What do you call those who remain My Chemical Romance fans?
Emold.
What is the connection between Emos and Darth Vader?
They both dress in all black and none of them has a father.
What do you call flat-chested emo?
A cutting board.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Who cares, let them cry in the dark.
Why did the emo kid leave the food on the table?
It was the Happy Meal.
Anthony went into the bakery and ordered Emo Cake.
âEmo cake?â says the baker. â What exactly is it?â
Anthony says, âItâs the cake that cuts itself.â
How do you pull an emo from a tree?
Cut the rope.
Whatâs the similarity between emos and unsalted popcorn?
Theyâre both white and flavourless.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
What do you call an obese emo teen?
An edgelard.
Recommended: Fat Jokes
What do you call a gang of emo kids?
Suicide Squad.
How are cats and emos different from one another?
The cat still has 8 other lives.
Why does emo get tattoos of fruits on their arms?
They are playing Fruit Ninja.
What will you call Sonic if heâs an emo?
Sonic the Edgy hog.
Why would the emo swallow a clock?
So he could wake up inside.
Why are Emos still around?
Because the suffering never ends.
What is the best way to get an emo off your balcony?
You encourage them.
What kind of bath bomb does an Emo prefer?
A toaster.
What is the favourite game of an emo?
Hangman.
Why do people wish their lawn grass was emo?
So it could cut itself.
A group of friends started an emo salsa band.
They call themselves HisPanic at the Disco.
What is the difference between pizza and emo pizza?
Emo pizza kind of cuts itself.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
The other day, my best friend flipped off the table in class. I thought it was flipping amazing.
I was watching my boyfriends dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with the him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When i looked down, he appeared to be dead. My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do ,so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waiting for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said ,âyou know , your dogs been a little depressed lately...â
Grandpa said no phone near the table so I said your not allowed near the school
Confucius say, man who go though turn table is going to bangkok
Q: How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
A: He gave her a ring.
Q: Whatâs the most popular video game at the bread bakery?
A: Knead for Speed.
Q: Why is Santa good at karate?
A: He has a black belt.
Q: Where do werewolves buy Christmas gifts?
A: Beast Buy.
Q: What did the snowflake say to the road?
A: Letâs stick together.
Q: Why did the turkey join a band?
A: So he could use his drumsticks.
Q: Whatâs a math teacherâs favorite winter sport?
A: Figure skating.
Q: Where do werewolves buy Christmas gifts?
A: Beast Buy.
Q: What did the snowflake say to the road?
A: Letâs stick together.
Q: Why did the turkey join a band?
A: So he could use his drumsticks.
Q: Whatâs a math teacherâs favorite winter sport?
A: Figure skating.
Q: Whatâs a fireflyâs favorite dance?
A: The glitterbug.
Q: Why are eyeshadow, lipstick, and mascara never mad at each other?
A: Because they always make-up
via GIPHY
Q: Where do roses sleep at night?
A: In their flowerbed
Q: Why was the show bad at gymnastics?
A: She was a flip-flop
Q: What should you wear to a tea party?
A: A t-shirt
Q: Whatâs rainâs favorite accessory?
A: A rainbow
Q: Where does a sink go dancing?
A: The Dish-co
Q: Whatâs a princessâs favorite time?
A: Knight time.
Q: Why did the Genie get mad?
A: Because he was rubbed the wrong way.
Q: Whatâs a ballerinaâs favorite type of bread?
A: A bun.
Q: What kind of dance was the frog prince best at?
A: Hip hop.
Q: What do bunnies like to do at the mall?
A: Shop âtil they hop.
via GIPHY
Q: How did the beauty school student do on her manicure test?
A: She nailed it.
Q: What is cornâs favorite music?
A: Pop.
Q: Why canât Monday lift Saturday?
A: Itâs a weak day.
Q: Why was the politician out of breath?
A: He was running for office.
Q: What is a soccer playerâs favorite chemical element?
A: Goooooooooooold!
Q: Why did the fastest cat in class get kicked out of school?
A: He was a cheetah.
Q: Which state has the greatest number of jokes?
A: Pennsylvania.
Q: Where is the best place to sit when a submarine is diving?
A: Inside.
Q: Why did the lawyer show up in court in his underwear?
A: He forgot his lawsuit.
Q: Why was the teenager no longer allowed online without a license?
A: He crashed the computer
via GIPHY
Q: Whatâs a ball that you donât throw, shoot, eat, spit, bounce, or catch?
A: An eyeball.
Q: What do turtles, eggs, and beaches all have?
A: Shells.
Q: What time of year do people get injured the most?
A: In the fall.
Q: Why did the quarterback take the hardest classes?
A: Because he knew he would pass.
Q: Why did the musician throw away her table?
A: Because it was flat.
Q: Why didnât the farmer's son study medicine?
A: Because he wanted to go into a different field?
Q: What is the math teacherâs favorite dessert?
A: Pi
Q: Why was the princess in the emergency r
As Iâm lying down on the table for a radiation treatment, a small angel lands on one shoulder, a tiny devil on the other shoulder. And then the mind game begins:
Angel: This wonât last long. You are perfectly lined up. The treatment only lasts a few mins. Remember, stay absolutely still.
Devil: Did she just twitch?
A: No. She didnât twitch.
D: I think I saw her finger twitch.
A: Well, even if it did, itâs her thigh the techs are aiming at.
D: She wants to scratch her face.
A: Stop it! She can handle staying still a few minutes.
D: But her cheek has an itchy spot.
A: She can just let it itch. She doesnât need to scratch every itch. She will just have to think about something else.
D: Wow...that cheek is really itchy...
A: Think about: Flowers. Acrylic painting. Did the trash get picked up this morning? Her grandson Oliverâs smile...
D: How about a song?
A: Good idea!
D: How about... âNever going to give you up. Never going to let you down....âđ¶
A: OMG! You just Rick-rolled her! Sheâs in the middle of a treatment! You know thatâs the only part she knows!
D: Thatâs okay. Sheâll just repeat the words she knows over and over and over and....
A: Donât be so mean!
D: âNever going to give you up...đ¶â
A: Stop it!
D: Her toe! Her big toe! Did you see that? She just twitched it!
A: No, she didnât.
D: I bet it screwed up the test and they have to start over....
A: She didnât screw anything up!
D: She totally screwed the test up and they were more than halfway done. If they start over at the beginning, she will get too much radiation, and they will end up slicing her whole leg off!
A: Thatâs not how it works...
D: Or they just stop all together and she only gets a partial treatment and her tumor wonât get enough radiation.
A: They know what they are doing!
D: ...And it wonât shrink the tumor and the whole thing fails. And the doctor will have to amputate her leg.
A: No! No! No! Thatâs not how any of this...
D: ...And when they amputate, it will be at the hip and not below the knee because the tumor is in her thigh.
A: Stop this right now!!
D: âNever going to give you up....đ¶â
A: Stop!
D: â...never going let you down....đ¶â
A: Iâm not going to let you...
D: âNever going to give you up...đ¶â .
Techs: Okay. Thatâs it, Tammi! We are finished! How are you doing?
Tammi: ...Oh, Iâm fine.....
Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?" The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom. Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket int the toilet."
A pedophile is sitting at a empty Poker Table. A Eight year old kid asked him if he can sit down. Pedphile says to the child sure lets play.
What do a blackjack dealer and my uncle have in common?
They both hit me face down on the table
When the school shooter finds you under the table;
Wonderful weather we're having!
There is a man and a women on a date.
The women asked what kind of things do you love.
The table starts to lift up on the mans side and the man says sorry.
