Hey, pass me that crow bar please.
Sure... y’know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home
(credit to Ryan Lombard (I think that’s his name) from YouTube shorts, I loved this dad joke/pun)
Stacy:: honey I'm kinda new to texting what does lol mean?
Justin: I'm not sure, lots of love I guess
Margert: Stacy are you there, I don't know if you heard but Amber and her 3 kids were killed in a car crash this morning I'm in total shock
Stacy: lol
I had a party the other day. I made sure their were vegan options they make do or fuck off.
why did the orphan cross the road? not to get home, that's for sure.
DB: I'm the only shotgun with more than 1 barrel! Lancaster:*are you sure about that?* DB:huh? Lancaster:*I have 4 barrels!* DB:WHAT!? Penta Barrel:*I got 5!* DB:*insert becoming uncanny* Dual Hexagon shotgun:*I got 12!* the others:*HOW!?*
*and thats how an arguement started.*
Guy: Are you tired His “Crush”: No Guy: Are you sure, because you’ve been running through my mind all day His “Crush”: That’s sweet. Guy: I’m joking you don’t look like you do any running
For all those Simpsons fans out there this one I'm sure you know Abe: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you Lisa: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you Homer: I'm a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me-- no matter how dumb my suggestions are
Why did the Irishman use 3 condoms? Yo be sure to be sure to be sure
Me: MRS. Can I read my book? Teacher: Sure. Me: *watching my Chromebook*
Guy: do you want a nickel? Girl: sure Guy: so you’ll tickle my pickle Girl: 😳😩😩😩
Hey wanna hear a construction joke? -sure Oh sorry I'm still working on it :-]
Um honey I'm glad your done but um WHO KICKED OUR BABY'S ASS?! I"M PRETTY SURE FACES DON"T BEND THAT WAY!!
Karien: Don't care. You know what you did.
Jalie: I don't know what you mean. I did nothing! I'm telling the truth!
Karien: Sure. So you mean you never texed Oerien last night around 2:00 am?
Jalie: NO I NEVER DID THAT!
Karien: Jalie stop the story telling. You were the one who had my phone yesterday. Just stop.
Nasruddin Hodja was tilling his patch of land when a hunter came riding up.
“Hey, you!" said the man. “Did you see a boar run past?"
“Yes," replied Hodja.
“Which way did it go?" demanded the man.
Hodja pointed in the direction in which the boar had gone.
The man rode away without a word of thanks but he was back within minutes.
“No sign of it!" he said. “Are you sure it went that way?"
“I am certain," replied Hodja. “It went that way. Two years ago."
When I'm peeing in a toilet I don't pee directly into the water. I pee on the curved part of the bowl beside the water because I figure it splashes less, but when you're peeing that close to the edge, the sporadic tiny offshoots of pee become a greater threat. I'm not sure if the accumulation of these offshoots is greater than the potential splashback from peeing mid-bowl. It's possible that I'm thinking about this too much, but it's also possible that I'm not thinking about this enough.
Why do nuns go round in pairs? So one nun makes sure the other nun don't get none!
Two sticks of butter walk into a butter bar. One says to the other aren't you going to introduce me to your friends. He replies sure, Dis my butter from another utter.
A man and a cow walk into a McDonalds, and the man walks up to the front counter and says “I’d like one beef burger.” The employee of McDonalds said “Sure thing sir, also I really like to see your cow, may I bring him into the back room really quick to show my co-workers?” The man says “Sure.” The employee takes the cow into the back room. A couple minutes later the employee came back with his burger. The man took a bite of it, and released his cow was gone.
Today, my mother was making breakfast. As she was tired, my brother asked if there was anything to do today. She responded with a list: -take out the trash -clean your room -Make lunch and be sure to butter the electrical sockets. That’s all sweetie! Explain= You can’t butter a electrical socket
Hi guys, so today I am going to do another blog. It's just for fun, and yeah. Enjoy! So, this morning, when I woke up, I heard that I was getting new grips, I was so excited. (Incase you guys don't know what grips are, they are sort of like gloves that go on your hands and they are for gymnastics bars.) I was excited because my old grips don't fit me anymore and my coach was like "Oh I can get you some new ones since we have a meet in a week." And so I was like "Oh that's fine. My parents ordered me some. Thank you though." And she was like "Okay that's fine. Just make sure you have them by next week" So long story short, I have new grips now.
