Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?
Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?
Me: It's an autobiography.
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
friend: hey,wanna play hid and seek? me:sure, i've got a great spot! me: *grabs nuce and runs to my closet*
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
Woah man, you need to take a step back. Your hairline did, so I am sure you can.
I just watched a documentary about Adolf Hitler.
He sure was a popular guy. Everywhere he went, people shouted “Hi Hitler” and gave him a little wave.
“Don’t be dumb,make sure she’s numb” - bill cosby
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! Thats not going to help!" She said. "Sure it does." he said. "Its the only way i can see the numbers."
"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."
"What was your first impression on him?"
"I told him, she calls me daddy too."
I lost a race with a handicapped person today. The problem was the race was all stairs.
Gravity sure is fast
I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000" But that's not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
Me: hey do you want to see my grandma. Friend: yeah sure Me: *pulls out gun*
I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!
Random person: "Just turn the page and start over." Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."
So I’m not sure if it’s a joke but I thought it was funny. So imagine u try to die by shooting yourself but you sneeze and pull the trigger... idk about you but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf I wasn’t readyyyy
Sans: why didn't the skeleton not go to the party? Papyrus: because they looked like me? Sans:... Sure
In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.
billie: hi
me: you wanna hear a story?
billie: yes sure
me: once upon a time, i ran over your dog last night.
