Sureness Jokes

Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of. You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.

Have you heard about the new cereal? It's called "Prostituties". They don't snap, crackle or pop, but they sure do bang!

2 women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement. Emma turns to Jane and says "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"r> Emma replies with "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

So I was in the bathroom at school washing and this girl walked out of the stall and she was like "hey can you make me laugh? I have been having a pretty bad day." And I was like sure and I was like come here and so she came over to me I was like girl look at ur self in the mirror and she started laughing so hard and she said I'm so ugly.

Two atom soldiers are fighting against an army. One gets shot. He cried out, im hit! I think I've lost an electron! Are you sure? Asks the other. Im positive!

This one as actually physics(unlike some other joke here, ahem cough cough)

A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.

When medical crew arrives he denies them saying "God will surely save me."

The medical team tries to help him but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.

Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"

God answered, "B**** I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"

So one day I was walking home from school with my best friend sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that bob the class rep got her pregnant a eight months ago and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said “sally it’ll be ok I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson” “yeah thanks suzy” she said to me then went into her house. The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school so I was like oh she must be in trouble with her mom I’ll go check on her So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands “oh hello. Is that Sally’s son!! Can I see sally?” Her mom says sure and I go inside but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone “here lies sally 2004-2020” so I ask her mom in tears “oh did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied “you could say that..”

a little girl said one day " grandmas gonna die tonight". the next morning the girl's grandmother's body was found. that day she said again " Grandpas gonna die tonight" sure enough, the girl's grandfather died and his body was discovered the next morning. that day she said " daddy's gonna die tonight." the girls father was terrified. he lay shaking the entire night. somehow, he survived until morning. his wife came into the room crying. he asked her why she was upset and she said that the postman had died last night.

Man 1: I-I ran my mom over to get a stupid book. Man 2: aww books aren't that bad. I'm sure she thinks you're a great son considering she can't drive anymore. Man 1: She was in the road and I was rushing to get the last copy of this book. She can't drive or do anything anymore

"wanna hear a construction joke" "yeah sure" "wait im still working on it"

A young teen was walking home from school and having a nice day.

She gets home eats, showers, and heads to her room. The young teen hears her mother say something, not sure what she said the girl replies with "ok".

The young teen was gonna head to bed wondering when her mom was gonna come in and say goodnight she lays in bed, but then she hears her mom's voice say "Hunny I'm home", she doesn't bother to say ok.

Later when she decides to sleep she gets a message from her mom saying to unlock the door that she lost her keys. :)

-Dark_Humor

Hi guys, so today I have not thought of a joke, and I'm not really sure what to do so I thought I would do kinda a blog sort of thing so hope you enjoy and you don't have to read this!

So I woke up this morning and heard this weird noise and it was my dad building me a new gymnastics bar so I can have uneven bars which I am so excited about! And I am so glad that you guys have been nice and liking my jokes and stuff but also, make sure to comment below if you want to tell me what kind of jokes you want and what you want me to do and also, feel free to talk to me! Love y'all!!!

Hi guys, I have a brain teaser for you! Leave it in the comment section if you figure it out. Here you go! If you kill yourself (suicide which is technically murder) will you go to Heaven or Hell? Because you murdered yourself, but what if you were a Christian? That was my brain teaser for you guys! make sure you leave what you came up with for the answer in the comment section below!! PEACE OUT!!!! :)

I was a orphan as a kid and Im pretty sure my favorite thing was seeing parents with their kids I think we know why

Kobe Missed A lot of shots but he sure didn’t miss the mountain

What did the screw say to the screw, We sure screwed things up

A teacher asked a class who killed Goliath, the first pupil said he wasn’t the one, the second said he doesn’t know. No one knew in the class. The teacher got furious and dashed to the Head Master’s office to report. Immediately, the head master followed him back to the class with a cane. He growled- “If no one tells me who killed Goliath in this class, you will see fire” Everyone in the class insisted on the fact that it wasn’t them. Then the Head master looked at the teacher and said- “Mr Dapo, are you sure that the person who killed Goliath is in this class? The teacher fainted.

Two hunters are in the woods and one falls to the ground. Terrified, he dials 911 and says “Help! I think my friend is dying. What do I do?” The nurse says, “I need you to make sure he’s dead. The hunter replies, “Ok I’ll be right back.” The nurse is startled after hearing a gunshot. The hunter comes back and says “I checked. Now what do I do?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his heart has completely stopped.” She is startled when she hears the sound of a taser. The hunter comes back and says “What’s next?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his brain has completely shut down.” The nurse is once again startled when she hears the sound of a bone being crushed by what seemed to be a hammer. The hunter comes back and asks “Anything else?” The nurse says “Nope. That’s it.”