Suicide jokes

Kill yourself in anyway. I'm doing it the HIGHway.

So there was a reason why I hated math.

I suck at problem-solving.

My hair goes just onto my collar bones. WOW! That's longer than I'll live.

What do emo kids like to do in their spare time?

Hanging out.

How do u get a depressed person out of a tree?

You cut the rope they hung themself in...

What's worse than a failed suicide, you ask?

I fail suicide because you forgot to do the dishes and your parents come after you and they're the ones to kill you, not yourself.

How do you know all suicide bombers self-identify as being old?

They are all boomers in the end.

I'm thinking of getting a job as a gardener--pushing up the daisies!

You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)

Btw friend here also wants to do suicide.

Friend: Why did I cross the road? Me: To get to the other side. Friend: True!

Friend: Hey let's go hang out at the forest today! Me: Ok *grabs ropes for the both of us and rushes outside bc this is a lucky day* Friend: Hey at least we did it!

Friend: What's the best thing about me? Me: You will eventually end. Friend: Hmmmmmm . . . true!

Friend: What historical time influenced you the most? Me: The great depression.

If I could be an object I'd be glass because I'm see-through and I can shatter with the minimum difficulty immediately!

My parents sometimes say I'm their sunshine! . . . because I'm painful if you look at me.

Teacher: What does km/s mean? Me+like almost all of the class: *in unison* It means kill myself but misspelled.

Friend: What's the best way to end a game? Me: With death. Friend: . . . Hmmm now that you think about it yeah! That's the best way!

When you're about to jump down a cliff but you realize that you can't litter there.

Google says that you're about 75% water but I'm made of 101% depression 101% anxiety 101% suicidal 101% stress.

Brain be like will_to_live.exe, happiness.exe, and many more others not found also you have now got crippling_depression.exe, anxiety.exe, suicide_thoughts.exe, suicide_attempts, and stressful_life.exe so so so much many more.

How do you keep weeds away? Just put a bucket of crippling depression and suicidal thought and attempts in the soil and then they just kill themselves. Problem solved.

When you take antidepressants but they don't work it will just make you more depressed and that's a fact.

A bored depressed suicidal person: *sees a dying person* Dying person: P-l-pls c-c-c-call m-me a-an amb-b-bulancccee *wheeze* *dies* Bored depressed suicidal person: Hmmmm ur an ambulance Dying person: *manages to get back up* Bored depressed suicidal person: Oooooohh goddddd Dying person: *in a demonic tone* BUT NOT FOR ME~

Roses are red, Inside I'm dead, I have crippling depression, Some one pls shoot my head.

When you finally open up to a person who you think will care and understand but it turns out that they don't. You: *panickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanicking*

The only time you should lift your spirits up is when your gonna hang yourself.

A made-up story starting now. So I went to school as usual. There's a school shooting. All the depressed suicidal people: *crave death* *walks up to shooter* all say KILL ME A made-up story starting ending.

In this one the friend isn't suicidal. Friend: Wanna play a game? Me: Life wait no a game has a meaning. Friend: . . . *crickets* Friend: Calls suicide hotline. Me: Wait no!!!!!

Me: *has crippling depression* *asks mom why I was born* Mom: Hmmm I think I was drunk and on a lotta drugs. Me: Hmmm tysm *gets the rope* Mom: *making hanging puns* Me: *hurries to the trash truck*

Me: At this point I've lived about a decade depressed and suicidal that I don't struggle with it now, I'm good at it and it's all normal.

Hope you enjoyed.

People see this Rolex and they kill themselves.

Motherfucker, that's a suicide watch!

I am not making a noose; I am making an unsubscribe button for life.

What’s the difference between an emo kid and a dead pig?

Suicide squad.

Hi, I'm Depraashin.

Hi, I'm rope. May I hang with you guys?

Why did the orphan die?

He killed himself because the lack of a support system made him depressed.

"Trust falling" with a bridge is more trustworthy than me.

(Teacher): "What's one sport you want to do, but you're not good at?"

(Me): "Suicide."

I have to say my humor isn't the best, but I'll give this a go.

My science teacher always reminded us about kilometers per second. Now I want to kilometer per second.

You know those credit card inserters at Walgreens? I want to insert my credit card on my wrist.

I'll shut up now.

Why do people not adhere to the corona measures?

Because they hate their lives and want to die.

What did the phone receptionist at the suicide hotline tell the callers?

Hang in there!