Suicide jokes

What is long, brown, and cures depression?

A noose.

Suicide is never the answer.

Suicide is the question.

The answer is yes.

What do you call an emo kid's suicide live stream?

America's funniest home videos.

Me: Hey! Do you know how to tie a knot?

Person: Yea, why?

Me: Cause I need help tying this noose :)

I would post a joke, but maybe it's too deadpan.

What do you call it when a friend calms his suicidal friend? "Hang in there, buddy."

Think everyone who wrote these jokes are dead yet?

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? I would too if all I heard was "daaaaaaah!"

A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.

Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.

Are you suicide, 'cause you're always on my mind?

Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.

What's the difference between a suicide bomber and puberty?

Puberty waits for the blow up.

I am a failure to everyone and decided to attempt a suicide, guess what? I failed.

What do cutting boards and a suicidal teen's wrist have in common?

They both have cutting marks.

Friend 1: What's your favorite drink or food?

Friend 2: Pizza.

Friend 3: Donuts.

Friend 4: I don't eat food but I do drink bleach.

Friend 1: (calling the suicide hotline)

Friend 2: (Calling the parents)

Why was I stress eating on the train track?

To wait to get hit.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.

If I worked for Edexcel, I'd give Caroline Flack an A* for her physics experiment.

I'm a Model. My doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram.

(Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts