Straight Jokes

Busan

Me: Gay puns are the best!! Also me: but im straight tho

Zuchuri
in Airplane

People often ask me what I would do for a klondike bar well I straight up put 5 hijackers on flight 175 before it departed from logan airport at 8:14a.m. on September 11 2001

D......fickenkid.

WOULD YOU RATHER: Have a menstrual period with horrible cramps for 200 days straight (Including men)? Or Eat 10 lbs of dog s**t everyday for 100 days?

Fella walks past a mental hospital, there all out in the garden behind this big fence . All SHOUTING 13 13 13 13. Ect Over and over again …

This fella is intrigued sees a little hole in the fence Looks through it
… GETS FUCKING POKED STRAIGHT IN THE EYE …

Then they all start singing

14 14 14 14 14 14 ;)

Christopher Nowak BFA
in Contest

A famous celebrity admitted that she was non-straight, suffered from a rare condition that changed the colour of her skin, did not age well, only wanted to be compensated for her work in the 5th month of each year at her favourite store while laying down: TO GET FAYE’S WAY, PAY GRAY, GRAY, GAY FAYE WRAY IN MAY AND LAY HER DOWN AT “THE BAY”.OK!!!

Anonymous
in Make

Everytime I’m come straight home from work you in the bed sleep and back there dead like a vampire in a casket. Then the next thing I noticed you just came back from the dead in no time dummy.

Anonymous

A women waked up to me and asked me a joke. I stood there with a straight face knowing women cant be funny.

The Sproose Moose
in Fart

What’s the sharpest thing in the world ?

A Fart…it goes straight through your pants without leaving a hole .

Anonymous

How do you turn a straight guy into you a gay guy well… For starts you grab that ass of his drag him into the bathroom and tell him to suck my long big pineapple and thus you have yourself one straight guy converted into dick suckin machine

Peter Griffin

Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom I like your mamas big butt, and I cannot lie. You other brothers can’t deny that she’s fly. We make sexy time, yes and every night I tap that. She saw me butt-naked, now she thinks I’m half black. But your moms the best, the super M.I.L.F. Cause she loves to toss the salad even though she ain’t a chef And I blame it on the al-al-al-cohol But If I were you, I wouldn’t kiss your mom on the mouth at all. She likes the Donkey-Punch. She likes the Dirty Sanchez. Sometimes she even likes to fool around in your bed. She likes rough sex with handcuffs and I’ll be honest She likes me to Chris Brown her when she acts like Rihanna. She’s so therapeutic. When I need to cure my restlessness I br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br motorboat your moms breastestess. I didn’t wanna tell you, but I had to write this song Cause I’m in your house every night doin your mo-om. Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom I’m havin sex with your mother That makes me better than you. I’m havin sex with your mother That makes me better than you. Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom

4
katgodatw

|Chapter #1|

“Hey Matthew, how is our world doing,” I asked Matthew through the mic. My name is Kai and Matthew was my best friend and my brother, well, stepbrother he lives with my dad along with Clara my little sis. Matthew and I were born in the same year but with different parents, he is like my twin. Our birthday is the same, march, 21, 2009, then Matthew responds, “It’s doing fine. I finished building the second floor of the house” we were playing Minecraft java edition, in hardcore so if we died we would lose the world. we had made it so far in survival mode. just then I heard someone knocking on my door to my room. I went to go see who it was but just as I got out of my chair, the computer made a weird sound and I heard Matthew scream for help seconds before I was sucked into the computer.

|Chapter #2| Survival

 “Oof, that hurt” I groaned. I looked down and I almost fainted. I was in Minecraft. I had a dark blue shirt with dark almost black, brown pants. The only problem was that if Matthew got sucked in the game then where was he. Just  then I heard a big boom I looked behind me and what I faced was a big crater I walked to the crater and seen some wood planks plus brick, stone and gate just at that moment 

I realized that that was the house me and Matthew were building then I heard groaning, thinking it was a zombie, and not realizing that it was nighttime, I jumped into the crater. I peeked above the grass block and saw a person, tall, skinny, and had a girl shape to their body. I thought it was Matthew but realized it was a girl. The moonlight shone down on her. I had never seen her before. She was as tall as me and had black hair and dark blue eyes then behind me I heard something move. I looked behind me and found a zombie on a grass block but it just fell down the crater into a puddle of lava I tried not to laugh but I burst out laughing “ha ha ha ha” then I heard the girl scream I jumped up and seen a zombie about to eat her but by then I had a crafting table and lots of wood and a couple of sticks I quickly made a sword and lunged at the zombie not out of saving the girl but also to save a person I can team up with and find Matthew with. I hit the zombie square through the back of its head then when it did not die and turned around I remembered zombies don’t die with one hit but it did fall off the cliff that I realized was there so I am pretty sure it was not going to come back. So I started walking but just then the girl (whom I forgot was there) tried throwing me off the edge Thankfully I got to the ground before she could throw me off the edge. when I got up, I was eye to eye with her. I could see that her eyes were blue just like sapphires. At that moment both of us were frozen, standing there, and opened our mouths to talk but before we could she was cut off by an arrow hitting the tree next to us “ come on, hurry!” I yelled I ran into the hole where the Minecraft house used to be. By then I had picked up some of the wooden planks that were still there and built a 4 x 4 house and pulled her into there and drew my sword ( because I was so good at the game, so I made it fast)

I looked out the window, that I had picked up and seen some skeletons and zombies. Surprisingly there was no creepers insight, well not for now anyway. We sat there for what seemed like forever no one talked; we just sat there until I saw the light of day. I crouched and slowly made my way outside. I stalked the perimeter and saw some zombies burning but nothing else I made my way to the entrance of the little house and I stopped in my tracks at what my house became right there in the doorway. there was a path down to the girl I saved, who was mining the dirt from the ground. I got out of the doorway and went to the crafting table and made a pickaxe, went down with the girl, And asked her if she found any coal, in reply I got a no. to be fair though she just hit stone. There was a lot of dirt where we were. We had been digging for a while and it was now sunset by then I had gone out and got some wood and made the place a little bit bigger. We added a long chest, then put all the dirt and cobblestone we got into the chest. When night had fallen I drew my sword and waited for the worst. Thankfully nothing came except a zombie. After the sun rose I went out to get some more wood while she did some stuff in the wooden house. I had been thinking about Matthew and how the house blew up. Right then I thought it might be a griefer so I went to go ask the girl if she thinks that too. who I still have yet to ask for her name. but as I made my way to the house I saw a figure sprint from a tree I stopped in my tracks. I ran behind a tree and sat there till I saw the girl look for me then I came from behind the tree while looking at where I saw the shadow. As I walked toward her she was walking behind the house to see what I was looking at but I stopped her and before she said anything I explained " I saw someone, I don’t want you to go over there" as I looked into her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. “Let’s get in the house before the zombies come, or worse.” as we walked I kept my eyes on the woods surrounding us. Once we were there I escorted her into the house while I checked behind me once we were in the house I made a door and put some dirt behind it right at that moment I heard a hiss and before I could get out the ground exploded I flew far from the house to a desert. I hit the ground with a thud and sand in the mouth I got up and dusted myself off and surveyed my surrounding and found myself surrounded by mobs so I sprinted for my life as an arrow whizzed past me

|Chapter #4|

Supplies

 I ran for something like wood or something I could but the desert supplied me with none of that and I realized that I would have to take this into my own hands I hit a dead bush and got a stick and turned around and hit the nearest thing to me which was a creeper I turned again and ran until I saw daylight. I had found a temple which I hid in. I punched the wool and made my way down to the chests. As I made my way down I took some extra sand just in case and once I was able to get in the chests and found a golden apple, Redstone dust, paper, and bones I took all of this. Just in case I needed them, I slowly made my way up and out of the temple. I walked until I saw the night approach so I dug down a little bit and made a little cutout in the sand so I didn’t have to face the mobs again. It had been the morning by the time I dug myself out. When I got out I gazed upon the beautiful sunrise mobs were burning up in the sunlight and a couple of creepers and a spider or two I waited until I saw no more mods other than a creeper and the spiders I knew the spiders won’t hurt me but the creepers would. So I crouched and snuck behind the creeper and bumped into the spider but all it did was make a hiss. I quickly turned around and to my surprise, the creeper was just standing there like nothing ever happened so I stayed crouched and walked a little further once I was a safe distance away I got up and made my way to the lights to the close village nearby. As I got there I saw no iron golem or villagers so I thought to myself that they were probably inside their houses as I walked past two of the houses I saw some spider webs and stained glass and realized that this is an abandoned village and found some iron with zombies everywhere and most of them had helmets so that was the reason they weren’t burning up. I had to find some supplies before I battled the zombies so I took as much stuff from the village that I could and put on some iron armor and got out an iron sword. I knew what the danger was if I died but I’m still going to do it. I made my way to where the zombies were and as I set foot in their sight they came after me. I jumped quickly when I touched the ground I had impaled the first zombie and threw it at another zombie and stabbed through both of them but when I thought it was getting better I saw an arrow hit my sword I looked up from the battle and mess I created to my right there was an evoker and a pillager with a crossbow I dashed for the nearest house and dove in.
 I heard arrows hitting the ground and the walls around me. I knew there was no way out, not unless I fight, so I drew my sword again just as a pillager walked in it distracted me from what it was really doing, it moved out of the doorway and to what I saw was an evoker about to hit I jumped up when I saw some teeth about to come and threw my sword at the pillager, who was trying to shoot me, and when I hit the ground I stole my sword back from the dead body of the pillager and chucked it at the evoker whether it hit or not I didn't care the only thing I wanted to do was get away from here. I made a wild dash out the door. I ran past the dead iron golem and stole the iron ingots from the illiger that had killed the iron golem. I ran as far away from the village as possible and looked behind me to see what the village had become.

I hated the look of the burning town and all the villagers dying left and right. I guess I didn’t see the villagers before and as I looked beyond there was another village already half-burnt. I wanted to rage and kill everything in sight, I decided not to because I only had an iron sword from the blacksmith. I turned my back to the village and walked toward the forest that was beyond the desert. As I walked I could tell that the sun was fading away and the moon was rising. I ran as fast as I could toward the forest. I didn’t want to get caught in the night fighting again. I could not afford to die, not here anyway. Once I got to the forest I could tell someone had been here because there had been a space cleared and there was wood missing in some of the trees plus there was a hole in the ground about 10 feet from me. I didn’t know if this person set up traps or just left but either way, I held up my sword and started forward. I didn’t find much after that only a cave that had some torches and no ores so that was a fact there was someone or something that lived here. I had camped out for a couple more days and then started to scavenge for food. It wasn’t hard because there was a herd of pigs and cows. I made my way to them as they grazed and found a hole that led straight down. I had a pickaxe and hands so I dug down to the bottom. I found some iron but not much more. It was strange that there was a hole straight down and through the bedrock. I stayed for a couple of days in the forest then once the sun came up I strolled out of the forest dodging the occasional zombie or skeleton I almost blew up due to a creeper. It hadn’t been long before I realized that a shadow Was a little out of my pace. It wasn’t long before it disappeared from my sight. While I chased it I was kind of curious about what it would be like that there wasn’t much that had Shadows around here other than living people. And if it was a person then it could very well be the girl that I rescued from the zombie not much long ago. I dashed as fast as I could. It had been a while after the explosion before I had heard of any other living thing other than villagers. At first, I had the thought that something bad had happened but that changed when I saw a huge herd of cows, pigs, and sheep along with some horses. With a sigh of relief, I dashed toward the cows to get some leather before they ran away. Just then the ground went out below me and I fell down in a dark musty area with Redstone lights going down a tunnel. The moment I stepped through the two-block tall gap I heard a tick and realized that the place was lined with pressure plates.

i was in 4th and I suck I already know

Anonymous

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read “its a bumpy road but soon u will have a straight path.” People didnt realize it was meant for his heart monitor.We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read “its a bumpy road but soon u will have a straight path.” People didnt realize it was meant for his heart monitor.uskan

Anonymous
in Confusion

A son asked his mom : why the lines in the LGBTQ community flag are straight ?

Lola
in Roast

Just to get things straight I’m NOT I REPEAT NOT RACIST but this joke goes out to all the people who talk about other people with darker skin than the other person.

Bully: your skin is so black and ugly.( for the 5th time ) Me: I’m so happy you love my skin color! Bully: ew no I don’t! Me: then why do you keep talking about it?

Daddy chill
in Orphanage

Yo mum so gay she watched straight porn because gay porn was boring because she is gay

Anonymous
in Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit are at a bar getting high smoking weed talking about nothing but lies and straight up garbage. and then the bear starts to drink too much damn liquor gets drunk and ask the rabbit can i have one more scotch pretty please? And the rabbit says hell to the naw I’m not about to carry your drunk ass home with me and smell your breath.

Busan

If all the class are straight but you think that someone is hiding that he’s gay, youre an investiGAYtor.

Anonymous

I went into a CS:Go lobby and all I heard for ten minutes straight was," Act like your hard but your dad beat you harder."

SPECIAL_GYAL

A Boy asked his Dad : « Why didn’t you make love with my mom daddy ? » Dad : « Because I’m gay »

Son started making out with his daddy and sucking his daddy’s big peepee

Son : « W- Wait a minute… So how did i exist if you didn’t make love with my mom if you’re not straight ? » Dad : « Because you are not real and i didn’t even have a wife »

The Son Waked Up from his horrible nightmare And He looked so scared, he did leave his bed to check out his dad but he didn’t find his dad, until his dad entered the house and he said to his son : « Why you did look so worried I’m just bringing some food for breakfast » Son : « Well but why your hands is full of cum ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) » Dad : « Because i did it with you last night i did you forgot … » Son : « But it was a nightmare … »

Dad turns into a monster

Dad : « I’m your nightmare »

The Son waked up and he seemed too scared and he found himself beside his dad torturing him after he discovered he’s gay.

The Son with himself: « Wake up btch wake up btch !!! »

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

ifukedmikeysmom

mikey dont clean his foreskin dude straight gay