Stop jokes

A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.

When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.

"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.

Why did the rape victim stop eating pears?

Because she was told that if you rearrange the letters "PEAR," it spells "rape."

One day I was on my phone, then I got a text message from my girlfriend, "Hey, sexy boy, wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean...?" Then I just stopped and froze. I read the message. I said, "Yeah, sure..." She replied really fast, "There's going to be a few people there, ok." But I didn't read the next message... She said, "Come right at 12:00 AM." But I didn't read it. I walked into her house, but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise, and it sounded like HER!! So I hid behind the couch, and I looked through the open door and saw something I didn't want to see... Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!

I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"

Last night I was watching a Scotland Christmas movie...

And the part when Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, Joseph was surprised, and he exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!!!" I immediately stopped watching and changed the channel.

What happened to the eight-year-old boy that needed to go to the bathroom during church?

The priest stopped him on the way there.

We should stop taking the piss out of Asian people. I mean, they already have enough on their plates... like cats and dogs.

What does a cat say when it's angry?

- Stop stressing meowt!

How to stop bullying?

Why did they make bus stops? So the bus driver would know where to pick the orphan up.

What do you call a cow that doesn't stop shaking?

A milkshake.

Yo hairline so long that it doesn't have a stopping point.

I have a friend who recently stopped smoking, and the withdrawal was causing hallucination. He went to my house and thought there was a shark in the pond in my backyard. So, I would like to dedicate these lyrics to my friend: "I see a dreamer over there by the water!"

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you run out of money.

Yo, stop making 9/11 jokes. My grandpa was a pilot.

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."

Me: God, Bryce, do we really have to talk about this again?

Bryce: What?

Me: You're still talking shit!! I already told you! It's 9 inches! Stop saying it's 3!

P.S. I'm a girl.

Stop.

What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?

"Stop staring at my nuts."

My dad told me and my sister to stop arguing, so I threw her out the window instead.