Still jokes

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with him?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to the ambulancemen and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"

What's the grossest thing ever?

A bag of dead babies.

What's even more gross?

The bottom one is still wriggling!

When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”

"I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”

“Where do you come from?"

"Rome."

“What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"No, Rome, Italy, of course."

“I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”

To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"

"What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"No, Rome, Italy, of course."

"No, sorry, I don’t know him.”

Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"

"Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"Rome, Italy."

"No, sorry, never heard of him.”

Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"

"What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"He says Rome, Italy."

"No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"

I'm gonna finally put a stop to the fucking drama. I saw people bullying other people for years; Gwen was not the only one. No longer will I put up with this. No longer will newcomers. For God's sake, just do jokes! Please! If you want to bully someone, do it in your family! You people don’t even know each other, but we're still going through this same fucking shit every fucking day! Just make jokes, people! That is why it’s called “Worst Jokes ever” not “Bully people forever.” So shut the hell up and get to joking! Jesus! The only reason why I came here was to spread jokes and kindness like Gwen and others, not to spread hate and foolishness from people who don’t even know better things to do but to hate on stupid strangers from different parts of the fucking world!!!

“Addison, fuck off already, you're only 10 years old. What do you know?” I might be 10, but during my time here, the tragedies and horror I've experienced on this website have shaped me into someone more mature, able to share this wisdom. And if you're gonna laugh at me, spit in the face of me and my generous teachings, you will fall. I swear to God, I will make you wish you could never feel pain. But that would hurt me more than you. Please, stop the drama. That's all I ask. Together, we can make this website great again, like it once was.

Hitler is amazing; he's dead but still alive because he did Nazi death coming. It never happened.

Q: Sex is great, only your mate can sometimes be a little nuts!

(I am still a single young virgin.)

The cat ran across the road when the car swerved. It killed a bear that killed a dog that killed a squirrel that killed a nut. The cat survived it all. The cat killed the squirrel and the bear with the car...

The cat still died, why?

It had a Catastrophic Catcident.

I still to this day remember my grandpa's last words.

"I'M ALLERGIC TO FUCKING CATS!"

"Gwen, are you still there?"

I may not be the brightest candle on the cake, but you can still blow me.

It's still depression, by the way.

You may not like me, but you still look up to me.

You're so skinny that your mom had to use a whole shampoo bottle on your head, but she still couldn’t find you.

Who jumps the highest?

The emos; some of them are still in the air.

God damn it. Fuck Christianity. I'm fucking 30 years old and still a virgin.

THAT'S A JOKE GOD DAMMIT!

My name is Mr. Cheese, but your jokes are still cheesier than me...

Q: Ten shepherds out in the sheep field. How do you know which one's gay?

A: He's the one the sheep fuck!

(I'm gay, and I know this joke is demeaning and inappropriate, but I still think it's funny as a 2-inch penis.)

Two tourists climb a mountain that utters certain doom.

One tourist falls down. The tourist that's still on the mountain says, "You ok down there?"

The other tourist says, "Can't I just rest in peace?!"

I am a God. Na, na, na, na, na, na. Yeah.

She's got makeup by the mirror in her bedroom, Thigh-high fishnets and some black boots, Nose pierced with the cigarette perfume, Half dead, but she still looks so cute. She is a monster in disguise, And she knows all the words to the trap songs, Takes pic's with a cherry-red lipstick, Says she only dates guys with a big..., mmm

America has white people that are terrorists and racists. They love to blame people from different countries for what they have done.

White person: "We are not terrorists. Why would [we] ever do that in our history?"

The rest of the people: *looks at them stupid* "Y'all were the first motherfuckers to be a terrorist first and then wanting to blame others for your action."

1 person: "You still carrying that confederate flag. It means hatred and [you're] still trying to fight to bring back slaves again. Y'all say it's heritage and not hate, but [you're] clearly still a fucking loser, and your flag has an X [on it, which] means wrong. So... Still a loser. People can't be racist to a racist. It just doesn't make sense. I'm not saying all white people are racist, but I am talking about the ones who voted for Trump and be blind as hell. FUCK DONALD TRUMP AND THE RACIST PEOPLE!"