Stand jokes
Three scientists are doing an experiment. They are trying to find out what happens when you stick a cork in an elephant's ass.
In the lab, they each look at each other and decide that they should hire a monkey to do it. The monkey sticks the cork up the elephant's ass, and the scientists wait three weeks.
The monkey pulls out the cork, and all three scientists go back and discuss what they saw.
The first one, standing one mile away, says all he could see was a wave of brown, then it all went black. The second, standing two miles away, said the same. The third, who was standing three miles away, said all he could see was the other two get consumed by a massive cloud of brown.
When you think of the word "simp," you think of a girl. "Girl" stands for ghosts in real life. Another word for simp is "ding dong." Put them together, and you get ghosts in real life with ding dongs.
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far, no one has given me a straight answer.
The E and F in Orphan stands for Every one in their Family.
Me: yep they definitely have one 100% 💯
An old man gets a call from the IRS.
The man on the phone says, “We’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly, and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.
The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to the IRS office, and the man there says, ”So we’ve noticed these large sums of money entering and leaving your account nonstop. Can you explain this?” The man replies, ”Well, I will bet on pretty much anything. Like this! I bet you 10,000 I can bite my own eye.” The agent takes the bet, and the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says, ”Wait. I’ll give you a chance to earn your money back, and more! I bet you 20,000 I can bite my other eye.” The agent thinks a minute and realizing the man isn’t blind, takes the bet. The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. He then says, ”Alright, last chance. I bet you 50,000 I can stand on this side of your office and pee into that wastebasket on the opposite side without getting a drop anywhere in between.” The agent thinks real hard but decides it’s impossible, so takes the bet. The man unzips his pants and pees all over the IRS agent’s desk. The agent jumps up and down and says, “Haha! I got you now!” But the man's lawyer goes pale in the face, sinks his head in his hands, and says, “He bet me 100,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you’d just love it!”
Just came up with a smart new way to make jokes. Try to figure it out without context
Did you know the F in orphan stands for family... Oh wait, haha.
We should stop making jokes about orphans before they tell their parents... Oh, continue.
My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.
Why can't pirates play cards? Because they're standing on the deck.
What does the F in orphan stand for?
FAMILY 😭😭
*IT'S DEPRESSING THIS PAGE EXISTS*
I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.
I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.
What do the initials BIBLE stand for?
Bull In Book Lacking Evidence
My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.
What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady, but couldn't stand up?
Handicapped jokes are so cruel.
I can't stand them!
Who was the first carpenter?
Eve, she made Adam's banana stand...
What does B.I.B.L.E. stand for?
Bull Shit In Book Lacking Evidence.
Does it cycle now?
Some say Stephen Hawking couldn't stand up for himself 😂
What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
Why did the people think Stephen Hawking was disrespectful?
'Cause he didn't stand up for the national anthem.
So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.
He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"